Help! I'm Trapped in Cyber Hell!

What a f-ing nightmare I'm in. Yesterday I start getting messages that I am not using a genie version of Microsoft Windows! The little icon says my computer has been compromised so verify that I do have windows. I've only had this computer for 2 or 3 years and the windows came with the computer! So I click on the icon and begin to verify. I'm asked to verify a variety of things that can be found on the sticker located under my lap top. I turn the computer over each time a verification is requested and then verify. I'm on the road to never having to look at this stupid icon again when - the next step of about 8 steps so far (so I have time invested into this) is to get the CD that came with the purchase of the computer to verify it is authentic! This leads me into a whole new dimension of hell because now it is encompassing my life!
My husband has taken our software disks which we keep in a plastic box especially made for software disks and done what with it? I looked in the master bedroom closet, not there. I looked in the hall closet - not there. I looked on the bookshelf - not there. I looked in the garage - in my husband's cabinets - not there. I looked in the desk. I looked in the file cabinet. I looked in the kitchen. I do not see it. I can not find it.
Most of you normal bloggers would say 'what's the big deal' 'you just ask your husband where it is when he gets home'. Remember I just said 'normal'. I am not living in a 'normal' situation. My husband may or may not know where the CD is. But that really doesn't matter. What matters is that he doesn't need it. It is of no value to him to tell me where it is. Or to even look for it. In fact it may be of greater value to take the opportunity to say to me that is was my responsibility to know where it is. Or it is my fault I don't know where it is. If it was important to me I should know where it is. I can understand that logic, and that is why I used to keep it in my computer bag with the manual that came with the computer.
Why isn't in there now? I'll tell you blog freaks why. It is because I am too much of a pussy to argue with my husband about a stupid CD. When he said let's keep them all together I complied, know that if I had an opinion different from his my life would be made very difficult until I see the light and come to my senses!
There is always the possibility that he doesn't want me to know where it is. I've had the feeling ever since I told him I want a divorce that my computer could somehow get all screwed up. However, I do not think he is responsible for the problems I'm having with it today.
So I cannot verify my version of Microsoft windows and keep getting this nasty little message that is making me more and more angry because it reminds me of how stupid I've been to allow myself to get into this situation I'm currently in with my spouse!!!! I'm so absolutely furious with him 24/7 that if I allow myself to think of it I'm in tears and a complete wreck. I'm so angry with myself for not leaving three years ago.
In addition to that problem I cannot log into my mail account/messenger. I tried deleting the program and re-installing (all fucking day long) and it still does not work.
I've also discovered in all this that I have a bunch of spy-ware and other crap on my system. I've been able to get rid of some of it for free, but the rest will have to be controlled by the purchase of spy-ware which leads me to the fact that I can not afford it until Thursday, which leads to the fact that my husband has refused to work for the last three years, which leads to the fact that he lost over 40K in the stock market a few years ago and see nothing wrong with it (I would have lost it too he says), which leads to the fact that I just kept my head in the sand while we spent all the money we earned in the past 15 years and now are broke - completely - except now we have two kids to care for, which leads to my anger over my unwillingness to admit that I may be one of those people who do go through a divorce. That maybe I will not have the perfect life afterall. That maybe taking responsibility for my life and my kids future depends on me having to do some things I don't want to do - like sell my house - divorce - start over with nothing - etc. In fact the truth is I will do all those things with my husband attached at my hip and less freedom, except of course for the divorce part.
So that's my bitch of the day. On the flip side I did get a call from a fellow pre-school teacher who gave me some information and told me she would recommend me to others and so would her friend who is ending her pre-school this month. I have a few people I can ask for help from and I have been able to stay home with the kids this summer. I am taking steps to my financial responsibility so I don't have to rely on my husband. I can't rely on him anyway so of course I have to do that. I'm standing up for myself and trying not to think of everything I don't have anymore and instead think about what I do have. It's just not easy, I want so much more out of life. I had so much more out of life. My stubbornness, my inability to say I failed. I made a mistake in my marriage. I failed my kids. I failed myself. I don't want to be second. I'm tired of sacrifice. I'm tired of this ball and chain. I'm tired of being a hostage. I want my freedom.
Later Freaks - I'm going to go do laundry and bake a cake - yipeee!!! It's all I can afford to do right now!!

Jack Sparrow - Black Pearl

Watching Johnny Depp with the kids tonight. I told my neighbor I have a date with Jack Sparrow tonight. Ha.
I think part of his sex appeal is the long dangling earings, big rings, long hair and of course his bad boy antics. My favorite line in the movie is when one of the pirates on the Black Pearl tells Elizabeth (puppet) 'you better start believing in ghost stories Miss Turner, you're in one'.
I love it when Jack Sparrow says he is going to commandeer the ship, not steal it.
I am now finding the co-star, Will, the son of a pirate rather handsome.
What say you? Ay!
Later Blog Freaks - It's me and Jack and Will tonight! Lisa

Does A Woman Ever Really Experience Freedom?

Just A Little Bugged Today. . .
I don't know when it started. It might have been when he said "who left food in the car" and I said "I don't know, what kind of food is it?" then his response was "I don't know, but whoever left it in there needs to get it out".
Or maybe it was when he brought it up again because he wanted to drive the car and he didn't want food in it so he insisted that I do the investigating, so I stopped what I was doing and went and threw out the half eaten hot dog from Costco (left by one of the kids) from when we went to get the birthday cake yesterday.
Or maybe it was when he asked me what I was doing on the computer for the third time?
Or maybe it was when he told me that even if we do get a divorce I'll still be in a dysfunctional relationship. I won't stop having dysfunctional relationships, I just won't have one with him. I then said, "Yes, I probably will be dysfunctional. However, I know I will not be in a relationship with a man who constantly tells me what I am doing wrong". I didn't bother to tell him that I won't be in a relationship with a man who lives off his mother and refuses to work because that's just asking for a fight and I'm really sick of fighting so I have to keep those thoughts to myself.
Or maybe it was when I could not sign into my other blog today. Or maybe it was when I decided to take the kids to see Monster House instead of Pirate Of The Caribbean because I'm being a good parent, but I REALLY WANT TO SEE JOHNNY DEPP DAMMIT!
Or maybe it was when I put on my capri pants and they were really tight in the waist, but I had some left over cake and ice-cream anyway!
Or maybe it was when I realized I'm too stinkin broke to even get my hair cut at Supercuts!
Or maybe it was when my daughter disobeyed me for the 8th time today!
Or maybe it was when my bird shit on my shoulder and then walked in it!
Or maybe it was because my mind was wondering and wishing things were different in my life. And feeling like I'm missing out. And just having that desire for my circumstances to change. Knowing that they are not changing today. Wondering if it will ever be. . . . . Arguing with myself, yes you know it will be different soon enough and you know it will be hard, but it will be so much better and then the next minutes saying to myself, you are such a silly girl to think that the love in your mind even really exists. . . Does it really exist? I don't know. But if it does I want to experience it completely. I mean experience the love God has for me. Experience the freedom of being treated as an equal, as an independent person, respected, boundaries, loved. True love that includes someone who thinks of others first and not himself first. A giver, not a taker.

Another Day in Motherhood

Another Tuesday.
Out of creamer this morning so I ran to the store before my coffee.
The big event of the day was to take my kids and their two friends who happen to be brother and sister as well to McDonalds for lunch and then out for a game of bowling. I decided to bowl today.
We were all feeling competitive. 3 of us were first borns and we all wanted to win!
All the kids made up names for themselves to put on the screen.
Thirty minutes has passed since I began my entry. I made dinner for the kids. My daughter is having toquetos and rice. My son is having macaroni and cheese, toquetos, and rice. I am having falafel. Well just a little bit of falafel. I'm taking the rest with me to my class tomorrow because I will be hungry when it is over and I probably won't want to eat much since I am taking my son and his friends out to dinner tomorrow night for his birthday. I hope I have a good appetite because it will be a treat for me to get to go out for dinner. It's almost been 3 months since I've had a decent dinner. My life is all about macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, spaghetti, sandwhiches. Lately, I've gotten my son to eat salad. I'm very impressed with that! I can eat a salad with him. Otherwise it's crackers and cheese for me pretty much with carrots and an occasional artichock. I can't remember the last time I had a fillet steak! Back in the day we ate them all the time. But those days have since passed me by. I remember when I met my husband I hadn't eaten red meat for over two years. It's not that I'm against meat (well kinda against chicken just cuz the fat and veins are gross) it's just that I was a broke student so I lived on salads and cheese and crackers. Oh and beer.
So today my son tells me on the way home that I do not punish him enough and he wishes I would be harder on him. So before we got home I gave him and his sister a 30 minute time out that was to commence as soon as we arrived home. He seemed pretty content after that. Their friends were shocked to see that he wanted a time out. They get in trouble a lot more than my kids do, but they are not bad kids, they just want attention from their parents. I'm the type of parent who makes the mistake of laughing at their inappropriate jokes. Or acting silly with them. Sigh, my living room is a mess, my bird is staring at me, my kids are bathed at least, I better get in the shower.
Oh, but I must clean up the kitchen a bit before. I've slacked on the house for a few days and now I have to get my butt in gear and clean. And do some wash. And pick up the house. And . . . grocery shop, but not until Thursday. Oh and i wanted to wash the car today. I'll just have to go to the car wash tomorrow. Sigh some more. . . . I really miss having a house cleaner. I miss a lot of things but it does me no good to dwell on that. What's the next indicated thing to do. Get off the computer and put the food away, etc. Put a load of laundry in and take the bird upstairs and get into the shower. Too bad I'm getting in the shower with Mr. Wonderful - I could some of that! Later Blog Freaks! Lisa

Trying To Keep Up With My Kids

I'm having to take some serious action with my daughter. She is only 7 years old and she is disobeying constantly. Everything I tell her not to do she does. She is strong willed and she knows I threaten more than follow thru. Now I am paying the price. When I give her a time out and tell her enough is enough she either has an excuse or she whines at me. I hate that!!! I hate whinny kids!
Tonight I tell her no more candy and about 20 minutes later I see her unwrapping another piece of candy and when I say 'I told you no more candy, put that away' she just keeps unwrapping it! I told her not to give the neighbor kid any money and she gave her a dollar. At bedtime my daughter asked me if she was in trouble for doing that and I said 'no'. I tried to explain to her that this friend of hers (who is a few years older) will talk her into giving her money but she will not ever be generous with her money to my daughter. My daughter doesn't understand the difference in people or she doesn't want to understand. This upsets me that I cannot use simple logic with her. My son is more like my personality and I can explain things to him and he totally gets it. Not my daughter. She has been wanting to go to Target with the $5 she earned watering the neighbors plants when they were out of town, but now she only has a few dollars left so I am not going to take her. If she pulls her attitude on me I am just going to have to give her a major time out. This kid is always one step ahead of me. The last time I gave her a time out she opened her window and was talking to the kids outside from her room. She was making faces and entertaining them. So I had to lay down the law on that and say to her ' when you are having a time out you may not open your window or even stand at your window and look out. '
I am pretty sure this kid is going to be a very big challenge in her teen years! Time to read some of the books I have on strong willed children - I hope I'm not too late!
Later Blog Freaks - Lisa

My Little Disco Birdie

Hey Blog Freaks!
I bought a baby cockatiel for my daughter a few weeks ago but I spend more time with the bird so it feels like my bird. I'm glad I only let her get a bird! I've been reading about the care of these birds and what they like, etc.
The cockatiel is in the parrot family, it is a miniature bird and only gets about 12 inches long when it is an adult. They live for 15 to 20 years and they can get really bossy or very bratty when they mature so you have to establish dominance over them when they are babies.
Cockatiels like bright colors and ours has a beaded toy with bells for it to play with. Tonight I had the bird on my shoulder while I was getting my daughter's bath ready and I decided to do some cleaning instead of just watching TV. I didn't want the bird on my shoulder while I was moving around and I was looking for something to let him stand on so he could see himself in the mirror and be occupied. My daughter went and got this light she has that kinda resembles a traffic light. It is a black rectangle with a yellow, green, and red round light. Each light turns on for a few seconds and then turns off and then it switches to the next light. The bird pecked at the lights and walked around them and looked at them the entire time! He didn't even take time to look in the mirror. My daughter and I joked that the bird was having his disco light therapy. It worked really well!
And to think I almost threw out that light a year ago because the kids got tired of it!
Later - Lisa

Charles - The Bird

I bought a bird for my daughter last Thursday. It has only been one week and - well - the bird may belong to my daughter and she may be the one who cleans the cage, but guess who is the bird's mama? Uhuh, ME! He is on my shoulder right now. Cleaning his feathers. I take him out of the cage for a few hours in the a.m. and then in the evening for a few hours. He is now talking to me when he gets on my shoulder. His crest will be completely down and he does these soft chirps. I wanted to change my clothes and I tried to take him off my shoulder and put him on the bed. He pecked at my finger and would not get on. So I put my shoulder down on the bed and thought he would walk off. But this bird got right in the middle of my back so I could not see him by turning my head to either side. I had to get my daughter to get her bird off my back. Now he is doing something with my hair. He tries to eat my earings and has bitten my ear. Today when I started eating dinner, he wanted to eat too. So I cut up some peanuts for him to eat from my hand because I'm sure he cannot have pepperoni pizza! Anyway, he is a very sweet bird and I now have a new baby in the house - Charles - Prince Charles.
Later Blog Freaks! Lisa

I Wanna Be A Cowboy!

Hey Blog Freaks!
Happy 4th of July to everyone! I love the 4th of July and I love to celebrate it in style! However, I'm not doing the 4th in style this year, but one day I will. I know that. I love watching the fireworks over the water while the band plays that famous song (I can't remember the name).
I'm watching TV with the kids and getting distracted from my thoughts. . . .
I took a personality test yesterday with this therapist I've seen a few times. It turns out that my personality type is that of the 'helper'. This means that when I think of a situation or an action I first think about how it will affect others rather than how it will affect myself. I knew I was a giver/helper type, but it was the first time I really digested the fact that some people only think of actions or situations and how it will effect them rather than how it will effect others. Everyone is different and I believe we are created by God so I am not saying that either mind set is good or bad, just different. However, any personality type to the extreme or distorted becomes toxic.
Realizing that it is my nature to think of others first and also knowing that lately I've been thinking of myself and my desires first is a step in the right direction.
I can now understand why I've worried about my kids and my husband so much and worried about how life changes would effect them. Wanting them to be ok, well adjusted, like it is my job to make sure everyone is okay. Now it is my job to take care of my children and provide them with a loving home and teach them the morals and standards I think God wants them to live by, but there is a place where I end and everyone else begins. I need to do what I think is the right action and leave the rest up to God. Understanding my personality and understanding that I have become distorted in my role as a mom and a wife helps me to unhook from the over-demanding-taking-too-much-responsibility aspect of myself.
I also learned that when I am actually operating in a healthy mode for my personality I will be in the category of Romantic rather than Helper. I find this interesting because I have been getting in touch a lot more with my romantic and sensual side lately. I'm thinking to myself it is part of my mid-life crises and yesterday I found out that it is really my true nature. So it makes sense that I picked a 'boss' type as a spouse because I'm not really concerned with organization or direction like he is and I used to really beat myself up that I wasn't more of an achiever. I was so concerned with it, that I actually became an accountant in my business I had with my husband and when I was in college I hated accounting. I am proud to say that I am starting a new business and it has nothing to do with accounting!! It is something that will embrace my creativity and my people skills. Finally, for the first time I am focusing on my growth in a way that is connected with who I really am. AND for the first time in my life I am not ashamed or discouraged by who I am.
When I found out that I was a romantic I started making sense of things. Why it is important for me to buy 400 thread count sheets for my kids (cuz they just feel so good). Why I like sexy clothes and lots of shoes! Why I love to get pedicures and massages! Why I love to pamper others in ways that most people don't think of. I have to go now because my kids will not calm down until I go see them and give them a foot massage. Yes, I give my kids who are only 7 and 9 foot massages and 400 threat count sheets. Shouldn't everyone have a mom like me?
Later Blog Freaks! Lisa