Friday, April 07, 2006

He threw away my shoe!

Big Sigh. . . . I was pushed to tears last night when I found out that my husband threw out one of my shoes. Yes, I left a pair of shoes I rarely wear in the back of the car I've been driving for the last 8 months. I switched cars with my huband for a week or so. . . . . . . .
My husband and I do not have his and her cars. We have not had the distinction since probably early 1999, when we ended up with 3 cars instead of 2. We had a suburban and two sedans. My husband leased the burb as we called it, but always wanted me to drive it for safety because our children were still in car seats back then and he would drive the sedan that I absolutely loved! This is how we dissolved the your car and my car thing.
Now, moving forward . . . We turned in the burb in Feb. of 2004. Then we had one car and a motorcycle. I don't ride motorcycles, so then my car was the sedan. Then my husband's dad who was getting very sick and old loaned us a car we had given him a few years back that was purchased at an auction and it is a dog. My husband drove that until I got a job downtown and started taking the bus to work so then I drove the dog car to the park and ride and my husband drove the sedan. I have a habit of leaving things in my car. I'll have notepads, an extra purse, a day planner or a coat, something in my car. My husband will keep something small in the car he is driving, but after all it is his, so in his mind, it's ok.
Now, I'm finally onto my big ass problem. . . My husband can not stand the fact that I leave books, etc. in my car. He hates it. He is not a clean freak, don't even think that. In our bedroom I have a very nice chair with $80.00 per yd. Fabric on it I picked out (back in the day) and his clothes are always covering it. In his mind he has picked up because nothing is on the floor. However, I can't see the fabric on the chair, or even the detail of the chair because it is always covered up. But, hey nothing wrong with that, right?
I'll ask him to put his clothes away or put them in the laundry room, but he doesn't. However, he feels it is his right to demand that I keep the inside of my car (or the car I drive), how he thinks it should be. If I do not do as he wishes, he punishes me. In a passive-aggressive way.
So last night I go to the car and decide I will put the shoes away that have been in there for a month or two or three. I can only find one shoe and when I ask him, he first says, that's all that is in there, one shoe. I say no, there were two. He says how would I know it was in there so long. Then he says my daughter threw it out, she didn't know it was mine. Then he says he threw it out and if I cared about the shoes and didn't want him to throw one of them out then I should have put them away. I became very upset at his 'stop at nothing' attitude. Normally, I'd say this calls for throwing out one of each of his shoes in the closet. However, my husband is the type that will fight to the death, so he will just up the ante. When I got so upset that I began to cry and scream at him, he then picked up one of my glass art treasures (worth about 2K), another thing from back in the day and told me to stop screaming at him.
He kept up his bullshit of insisting he did not know those were my shoes. I said 'whose shoes did you think they were"? (we bought this car at a city auction - it was a police car) and he says maybe they belonged to the person who had the car before we bought it. He would not stop insisting that he had no idea it was my shoe. This is because I kept asking him, why wouldn't you ask me before doing such a thing? I really wanted to go out into the garage and kick over his motorcycle to scratch up the expensive paint job, but then we'd just end up trashing the house in front of the children. I just said over and over again "I don't believe you". I just don't agree with his reasoning that I should keep the car cleaned out if I don't want my shoe thrown away. To me this causes a person to walk on egg-shells and doubt every little thing they do. This is just not healthy!! And I know my choices. Put up with it or get the hell out. He isn't changing. This behavior always surfaces whenever my husband is not able to control me. The shoe he threw out was a mate to a pair that cost just under $200 (again, back in the day) which I had purchased for new years in like 2000 or 2001 when we had a very fun evening with some of our best friends. I don't expect him to remember what I wore, but I do expect him to respect my stuff.
AND he wants to know why I am such a bitch to him? This is the same man who threw out about half of the clothes in my closet when I was at his daughter's bachelorhood party in 2004. I had shopped and shopped for a dress for the wedding. It is very difficult for me to find something that looks youthful enough for my taste and fits me. I had finally found the perfect dress and it was a really good deal. However, when I came home from my trip, it was gone. He had thrown it out. He said he had been asking me to get rid of some of the clothes I no longer wear and I had not complied to his standards apparently, so he did me a favor. Now, I do believe in his 'I am the King' mind (king baby that is) he thought he was doing me a favor, but I would think after my reaction he'd stay away from my clothes and shoes! Anyway, when I came home from the trip to celebrate with his daughter and his ex-wife and all their friends and I saw that the dress was gone, I gave up. I said to him "I am not shopping for another dress, I'm tired of shopping, I picked one out and now it is gone" "I'm either wearing a sun dress that is still hanging in my closet or my jeans - I don't give a fuck" you know, he didn't give a fuck either. A week before the wedding I made a trip with my kids to see their best friends that they missed dearly. The kids' mom had recently lost a ton of weight and she gave me this dressy skirt and sequined top. it fit and that is what I wore to the wedding.
My continuing struggle is this: "how do I rise above it when my own spouse who is supposed to be my best friend and at one time was only wants to cause me harm in an effort to keep my self esteem down and control me?"
I have always been the type of person who encourages. I've always just dealt with this strong personality I am married too. However, I'm just sick of living with a person who would rather cut off his nose to spite his face than 'let it go' or consider me an equal. We did not have children for the first 9 years of our relationship and I really doted on him. I did not set the limits in the beginning as I should have. I stayed when he punched a hole in the wall when we lived together because it was easier to stay than admit defeat and deal with the feelings of failure and feeling lost. I knew his personality. AND I know he feels bad because he asked me to get something off his neck that was bothering him, like a little pimple or something so I took some tweezers and I pulled a bunch of his hair out which hurt him. I said I can not see it unless I get your hair out of the way. He has very very thick hair. He said 'stop' but didn't move and after all these years I know he is wanting me to 'even the score' so to speak.
I don't need to control him. Last weekend he said 'do you care if I go to the movies?' I always say, 'if you need to get out, go'. I don't understand why our relationship is not based on team work! If you need a break, take one. I'll watch the kids. Then tomorrow when I want to go out for a few hours and get some space, you can watch the kids. But it isn't like that with us. My husband will say 'why don't we all go out together'? 'why are you always trying to get away from me'? It is all one way with him. I have learned not to say 'do you care if I go . . . ' I have to say, 'I want to go do this . . . ' or 'I am going to go do such and such'.
relationships can be such a bitch and I'm at the point where I don't want to talk about it with him. I see no point in it anymore. He is what he is. I am what I am. I'll have to be the one to leave, and I'll have to deal with whatever he dishes out to control me not too.
I don't want to fail at this. I don't want to drag my kids through divorce. I also don't want to be a bitter old bitch when I'm old. I love this joke this guy once told when speaking of his crazy family he grew up in, he said his grandma was always muttering 'if I'd a killed him the first time I wanted to, I'd be out of jail by now'. I know that is extreme, but if anyone is reading this, you know what I mean. . . We are not on this earth to be miserable or to put mental chains on people. We are here to learn to love, trust, bless one another. And how in the hell do I make it work with a man who insists on fucking it all up?
Later blog freaks-


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