Deep Breath

Take one step at a time. Take one day at a time. I took action today in my life. I wish I didn't have to do certain things. I wish it was easier. I can't keep taking the easier and softer way. The dread is minimized if I take the step (action) I need to for the day. It gets easier every time I take action.
Even though I came home today and my water had been turned off because I did not pay that bill, I called the water company and paid the bill. I broke down afterwards crying and feeling sorry for myself thinking things like "even when I was totally broke in college this never happened to me" blaming my husband's refusal to work as my main problem. I then had to say to myself "Lisa, you are your main problem because you are the one who is in a relationship with this man". I had my cry and I moved on. My kids don't know it happened and I am grateful for that. I was able to pay the bill. I am grateful for that. I'm broke until next week, but I have gas in the car and food in the refrigerator and the water is on, the lights are on. For now, that has to be good enough. I am definitely going through a humbling process - this is not the way I was raised and I've never lived like this. I realize now that I just didn't listen when my husband told me stories of how he lived when he was young, I just never thought he could go back there, but I see now that he has a deeper tolerance for misery than I do. Man, I cannot let my kids grow up like this - success is my only mother fucking option - failure is not!!!!!!
Later Blog Freaks! Lisa