It is what it is - Whatever that is
Today I stayed on schedule. My schedule. What I call a very lazy schedule. My neighbor said I had a normal day and it is shocking to me that she doesn't think of it as a lazy day like I do.
Take the kids to school. Go to the gym. Go to the grocery store. Eat. Go to a meeting. Back home and start the chili I was craving so it can simmer while I pick kids up from school. Pick up kids. Home. Eat. Make snack for kids. Lay down for an hour and sleep. Visit neighbors (no drinking). Dinner for kids. Clean cabinets in kitchen. Now kids watching TV and I have a few minutes. Oh and I squeezed in tear/talk time to husband reflecting on 18 years of marriage and what went wrong. No blaming. We interacted the way we did. He wants to work it out. I don't. He says I love him so it can work. I say I love him in that I care about his welfare. I want him to be happy. I want him to be a good daddy to our children. I wish him success. But no love in the romantic way. No desire to spend time together. No shared interests. Well a few, but I just don't enjoy time with him any longer. Don't really want to listen to him.
Funny how things change. There was a time when I wanted him to have the desire for our marriage like he now has. I would do anything. I worked on myself in therapy. I made compromises. I worked my ass off to make our life good. And now I'm done. I'm retired. Finished. I know being a single mom is going to be tough. My time will be stretched. I will struggle to make a good life for us. I'll have lonely days. I also know that I won't have to deal with another persons' bad day. I'll have the freedom to decide where we go for vacation. What car I want to drive. Who I want to hang out with. What time I go to bed and what time I get up. What music I listen to. And on and on. I'm just too tired to make a relationship work. It works or it doesn't. Somewhere along the line we forgot how to have fun together. I became guarded. I got hurt too many times.
Today, I did not feel like my head was going to explode off my shoulders. However, I haven't gone to sleep yet, so there is that possibility. It's time to read to the kids.
Later Ya freaks -
Lisa
Take the kids to school. Go to the gym. Go to the grocery store. Eat. Go to a meeting. Back home and start the chili I was craving so it can simmer while I pick kids up from school. Pick up kids. Home. Eat. Make snack for kids. Lay down for an hour and sleep. Visit neighbors (no drinking). Dinner for kids. Clean cabinets in kitchen. Now kids watching TV and I have a few minutes. Oh and I squeezed in tear/talk time to husband reflecting on 18 years of marriage and what went wrong. No blaming. We interacted the way we did. He wants to work it out. I don't. He says I love him so it can work. I say I love him in that I care about his welfare. I want him to be happy. I want him to be a good daddy to our children. I wish him success. But no love in the romantic way. No desire to spend time together. No shared interests. Well a few, but I just don't enjoy time with him any longer. Don't really want to listen to him.
Funny how things change. There was a time when I wanted him to have the desire for our marriage like he now has. I would do anything. I worked on myself in therapy. I made compromises. I worked my ass off to make our life good. And now I'm done. I'm retired. Finished. I know being a single mom is going to be tough. My time will be stretched. I will struggle to make a good life for us. I'll have lonely days. I also know that I won't have to deal with another persons' bad day. I'll have the freedom to decide where we go for vacation. What car I want to drive. Who I want to hang out with. What time I go to bed and what time I get up. What music I listen to. And on and on. I'm just too tired to make a relationship work. It works or it doesn't. Somewhere along the line we forgot how to have fun together. I became guarded. I got hurt too many times.
Today, I did not feel like my head was going to explode off my shoulders. However, I haven't gone to sleep yet, so there is that possibility. It's time to read to the kids.
Later Ya freaks -
Lisa
posted by Lisa at 8:42 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home