June 9th, Mid Life

I recently read that mid life doesn't actually happen until like 55 or 60, I am only in early adulthood. This IS good news since I didn't really come out of my teen age years until 30.

Ever wonder to yourself: How did I fucking wind up in this situation? Not like I wasn't participating in my life. . . . . Not like I've been frozen for the past ten years. . . . So what the fuck? . . . . . . So glad I have my kids. . . . I so hope that I am not delusional! . . . . . . I may very well be delusional . . . I may think something exists that doesn't really exist . . . . It only exists in my mind . . . In my dreams, in my fantasies . . . Could be the truth . . . . So if it is the truth . . . Then what? . . . Would I change anything? . . . . Absolutely Not! . . . . You know why? . . . There are plenty of delusions out there for me to have . . . . . I can live my life in them . . .. Now that does sound crazy!

At my age, I'm ready for change. . I'm ready for the risk . . I'm ready. . . What have I got to lose?
I've already lost everything . . . Lost all the worldly shit that is. . . . Lost love . . . . Still have my children and I still have their trust and their love and I do not want to lose that . . . I don't want to lose hope . . I have hope . . . I have desire . . I have passion . . . To be a woman . . To feel like I make a difference . . . To be a part of something that is good . . . To grow as a person . . To have adventure . . . . . To enrich my kids' lives, not teach them that life is only about getting by, but that life is an adventure and a learning experience and something to cherish. . . .

Later - I'm not drinking today. I'm in control. I'm trusting my intuition.