Take My Advise - I'm Not Using It
Sleepy. . . . I finally got a good night's sleep. . . I haven't slept good in over a week. . . .
The situation of my crises shows me how much everything changes over time and yet some things remain constant. I have been really out of control lately. Very volatile. Confused. Stressed. To the breaking point. Ready to jump off the ledge of a very tall building, with the building representing my life for the past 18 years.
I got to a point where I couldn't hold it in any longer. I have no energy to be nice or exercise self control. The desire to compromise is gone because the desire to continue to achieve the goal of what I thought was the way to live my life has vanished. It's like I had a revelation that all the hard work and sacrifice was not paying the dividends I expected or that I thought I was promised. I realize that investments have good years and bad years and you have to look at the overall term and average your return. Lately, I've been looking at my investment in my choices in life and I think after 18 years the return is flat. Zero. I'm not worse off, I'm just not better off.
So I have to look at that. Answer questions I have. When I was young decisions were easier because I only had myself to think about as opposed to having to consider my children's welfare. However, I lacked the insight to myself that I now possess. I see patterns of how I cope with life and it has become very evident that when things get tough, I run. I escape. This can be a very useful tool if you are in a burning building! However, part of my escape involves not a physical escape, but rather a mental escape. The mental escape is a very dangerous one because the building is still on fire, but I'm just sitting in it. Not stressing because I've mentally checked out. Seeing now that to do this will lead to my death as well. It may not be as painful, but ends the same way.
I associate the lack of desire to having a kitchen fire that maybe I could put out with some effort, but not having any desire and then mentally checking out leads to a bigger fire and eventually it gets so big that I can not do a damn thing about it.
I have been given the desire to no longer allow myself to mentally check out. I see that will not solve a damn thing. I have taken that step. It is a struggle for me each day. Part of me still wants to check out (drink until I can turn off the craziness in my mind and relax), but that leads me to lack of action and I can not stand being 'stuck'. I can not stand the same ol, same ol. I have to feel like I am progressing, improving, getting better, living. The feeling of being stuck or settling makes me depressed.
I have decided to concentrate on my children this summer. I am not working and I am going to take them to the beach for a week while my husband is in school. I really need this time to with them and relax in their world. Last night I watched the movie Like Mike with my children and I think that has some to do with sleeping so well. I relaxed. My children have a really good effect on me. They keep me centered. Focused. I am very excited to think about taking them to the beach. I want to take them where the sand dunes are so they can enjoy a new experience. Being from California, I am not familiar with Oregon beaches. I have noticed that the ocean sounds differently here and I much prefer California, but I have not given Oregon a chance yet.
I've signed my daughter up for soccer camp which starts in a few weeks and I enjoy the fact that she is looking forward to that a lot! I need to find something for my son, however, he is very content to read and play video games.
My marriage crises is still there. I'm not ready to finalize any decision in that area of my life. I need time to get honest with that part of myself. I don't it all figured out yet. My desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies of what I want for my personal future. . . . Is it realistic? Is it doable? Will it lead to long term satisfaction? Or is it craziness? Doomed to fail? Leads to disappointment, unfulfilled? All that I don't know. My top priority is my mental health, emotional, spiritual health and that of my children. My husband has to be concerned for his own well being, not me. I have wants and desires in my life that are very strong, but it is not something I'm ready to talk about to anyone. So back to the basics cuz I don't have life figured out. . . One Day At A Time. Just For Today I Will Find The Good In Life.
Later Blog Freaks - Lisa
The situation of my crises shows me how much everything changes over time and yet some things remain constant. I have been really out of control lately. Very volatile. Confused. Stressed. To the breaking point. Ready to jump off the ledge of a very tall building, with the building representing my life for the past 18 years.
I got to a point where I couldn't hold it in any longer. I have no energy to be nice or exercise self control. The desire to compromise is gone because the desire to continue to achieve the goal of what I thought was the way to live my life has vanished. It's like I had a revelation that all the hard work and sacrifice was not paying the dividends I expected or that I thought I was promised. I realize that investments have good years and bad years and you have to look at the overall term and average your return. Lately, I've been looking at my investment in my choices in life and I think after 18 years the return is flat. Zero. I'm not worse off, I'm just not better off.
So I have to look at that. Answer questions I have. When I was young decisions were easier because I only had myself to think about as opposed to having to consider my children's welfare. However, I lacked the insight to myself that I now possess. I see patterns of how I cope with life and it has become very evident that when things get tough, I run. I escape. This can be a very useful tool if you are in a burning building! However, part of my escape involves not a physical escape, but rather a mental escape. The mental escape is a very dangerous one because the building is still on fire, but I'm just sitting in it. Not stressing because I've mentally checked out. Seeing now that to do this will lead to my death as well. It may not be as painful, but ends the same way.
I associate the lack of desire to having a kitchen fire that maybe I could put out with some effort, but not having any desire and then mentally checking out leads to a bigger fire and eventually it gets so big that I can not do a damn thing about it.
I have been given the desire to no longer allow myself to mentally check out. I see that will not solve a damn thing. I have taken that step. It is a struggle for me each day. Part of me still wants to check out (drink until I can turn off the craziness in my mind and relax), but that leads me to lack of action and I can not stand being 'stuck'. I can not stand the same ol, same ol. I have to feel like I am progressing, improving, getting better, living. The feeling of being stuck or settling makes me depressed.
I have decided to concentrate on my children this summer. I am not working and I am going to take them to the beach for a week while my husband is in school. I really need this time to with them and relax in their world. Last night I watched the movie Like Mike with my children and I think that has some to do with sleeping so well. I relaxed. My children have a really good effect on me. They keep me centered. Focused. I am very excited to think about taking them to the beach. I want to take them where the sand dunes are so they can enjoy a new experience. Being from California, I am not familiar with Oregon beaches. I have noticed that the ocean sounds differently here and I much prefer California, but I have not given Oregon a chance yet.
I've signed my daughter up for soccer camp which starts in a few weeks and I enjoy the fact that she is looking forward to that a lot! I need to find something for my son, however, he is very content to read and play video games.
My marriage crises is still there. I'm not ready to finalize any decision in that area of my life. I need time to get honest with that part of myself. I don't it all figured out yet. My desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies of what I want for my personal future. . . . Is it realistic? Is it doable? Will it lead to long term satisfaction? Or is it craziness? Doomed to fail? Leads to disappointment, unfulfilled? All that I don't know. My top priority is my mental health, emotional, spiritual health and that of my children. My husband has to be concerned for his own well being, not me. I have wants and desires in my life that are very strong, but it is not something I'm ready to talk about to anyone. So back to the basics cuz I don't have life figured out. . . One Day At A Time. Just For Today I Will Find The Good In Life.
Later Blog Freaks - Lisa
posted by Lisa at 8:44 AM
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