FortyFemailCrises?

Help! I'm Trapped in Cyber Hell!

2006-08-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

What a f-ing nightmare I'm in. Yesterday I start getting messages that I am not using a genie version of Microsoft Windows! The little icon says my computer has been compromised so verify that I do have windows. I've only had this computer for 2 or 3 years and the windows came with the computer! So I click on the icon and begin to verify. I'm asked to verify a variety of things that can be found on the sticker located under my lap top. I turn the computer over each time a verification is requested and then verify. I'm on the road to never having to look at this stupid icon again when - the next step of about 8 steps so far (so I have time invested into this) is to get the CD that came with the purchase of the computer to verify it is authentic! This leads me into a whole new dimension of hell because now it is encompassing my life!
My husband has taken our software disks which we keep in a plastic box especially made for software disks and done what with it? I looked in the master bedroom closet, not there. I looked in the hall closet - not there. I looked on the bookshelf - not there. I looked in the garage - in my husband's cabinets - not there. I looked in the desk. I looked in the file cabinet. I looked in the kitchen. I do not see it. I can not find it.
Most of you normal bloggers would say 'what's the big deal' 'you just ask your husband where it is when he gets home'. Remember I just said 'normal'. I am not living in a 'normal' situation. My husband may or may not know where the CD is. But that really doesn't matter. What matters is that he doesn't need it. It is of no value to him to tell me where it is. Or to even look for it. In fact it may be of greater value to take the opportunity to say to me that is was my responsibility to know where it is. Or it is my fault I don't know where it is. If it was important to me I should know where it is. I can understand that logic, and that is why I used to keep it in my computer bag with the manual that came with the computer.
Why isn't in there now? I'll tell you blog freaks why. It is because I am too much of a pussy to argue with my husband about a stupid CD. When he said let's keep them all together I complied, know that if I had an opinion different from his my life would be made very difficult until I see the light and come to my senses!
There is always the possibility that he doesn't want me to know where it is. I've had the feeling ever since I told him I want a divorce that my computer could somehow get all screwed up. However, I do not think he is responsible for the problems I'm having with it today.
So I cannot verify my version of Microsoft windows and keep getting this nasty little message that is making me more and more angry because it reminds me of how stupid I've been to allow myself to get into this situation I'm currently in with my spouse!!!! I'm so absolutely furious with him 24/7 that if I allow myself to think of it I'm in tears and a complete wreck. I'm so angry with myself for not leaving three years ago.
In addition to that problem I cannot log into my mail account/messenger. I tried deleting the program and re-installing (all fucking day long) and it still does not work.
I've also discovered in all this that I have a bunch of spy-ware and other crap on my system. I've been able to get rid of some of it for free, but the rest will have to be controlled by the purchase of spy-ware which leads me to the fact that I can not afford it until Thursday, which leads to the fact that my husband has refused to work for the last three years, which leads to the fact that he lost over 40K in the stock market a few years ago and see nothing wrong with it (I would have lost it too he says), which leads to the fact that I just kept my head in the sand while we spent all the money we earned in the past 15 years and now are broke - completely - except now we have two kids to care for, which leads to my anger over my unwillingness to admit that I may be one of those people who do go through a divorce. That maybe I will not have the perfect life afterall. That maybe taking responsibility for my life and my kids future depends on me having to do some things I don't want to do - like sell my house - divorce - start over with nothing - etc. In fact the truth is I will do all those things with my husband attached at my hip and less freedom, except of course for the divorce part.
So that's my bitch of the day. On the flip side I did get a call from a fellow pre-school teacher who gave me some information and told me she would recommend me to others and so would her friend who is ending her pre-school this month. I have a few people I can ask for help from and I have been able to stay home with the kids this summer. I am taking steps to my financial responsibility so I don't have to rely on my husband. I can't rely on him anyway so of course I have to do that. I'm standing up for myself and trying not to think of everything I don't have anymore and instead think about what I do have. It's just not easy, I want so much more out of life. I had so much more out of life. My stubbornness, my inability to say I failed. I made a mistake in my marriage. I failed my kids. I failed myself. I don't want to be second. I'm tired of sacrifice. I'm tired of this ball and chain. I'm tired of being a hostage. I want my freedom.
Later Freaks - I'm going to go do laundry and bake a cake - yipeee!!! It's all I can afford to do right now!!

Jack Sparrow - Black Pearl

2006-07-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

Watching Johnny Depp with the kids tonight. I told my neighbor I have a date with Jack Sparrow tonight. Ha.
I think part of his sex appeal is the long dangling earings, big rings, long hair and of course his bad boy antics. My favorite line in the movie is when one of the pirates on the Black Pearl tells Elizabeth (puppet) 'you better start believing in ghost stories Miss Turner, you're in one'.
I love it when Jack Sparrow says he is going to commandeer the ship, not steal it.
I am now finding the co-star, Will, the son of a pirate rather handsome.
What say you? Ay!
Later Blog Freaks - It's me and Jack and Will tonight! Lisa

Does A Woman Ever Really Experience Freedom?

2006-07-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

Just A Little Bugged Today. . .
I don't know when it started. It might have been when he said "who left food in the car" and I said "I don't know, what kind of food is it?" then his response was "I don't know, but whoever left it in there needs to get it out".
Or maybe it was when he brought it up again because he wanted to drive the car and he didn't want food in it so he insisted that I do the investigating, so I stopped what I was doing and went and threw out the half eaten hot dog from Costco (left by one of the kids) from when we went to get the birthday cake yesterday.
Or maybe it was when he asked me what I was doing on the computer for the third time?
Or maybe it was when he told me that even if we do get a divorce I'll still be in a dysfunctional relationship. I won't stop having dysfunctional relationships, I just won't have one with him. I then said, "Yes, I probably will be dysfunctional. However, I know I will not be in a relationship with a man who constantly tells me what I am doing wrong". I didn't bother to tell him that I won't be in a relationship with a man who lives off his mother and refuses to work because that's just asking for a fight and I'm really sick of fighting so I have to keep those thoughts to myself.
Or maybe it was when I could not sign into my other blog today. Or maybe it was when I decided to take the kids to see Monster House instead of Pirate Of The Caribbean because I'm being a good parent, but I REALLY WANT TO SEE JOHNNY DEPP DAMMIT!
Or maybe it was when I put on my capri pants and they were really tight in the waist, but I had some left over cake and ice-cream anyway!
Or maybe it was when I realized I'm too stinkin broke to even get my hair cut at Supercuts!
Or maybe it was when my daughter disobeyed me for the 8th time today!
Or maybe it was when my bird shit on my shoulder and then walked in it!
Or maybe it was because my mind was wondering and wishing things were different in my life. And feeling like I'm missing out. And just having that desire for my circumstances to change. Knowing that they are not changing today. Wondering if it will ever be. . . . . Arguing with myself, yes you know it will be different soon enough and you know it will be hard, but it will be so much better and then the next minutes saying to myself, you are such a silly girl to think that the love in your mind even really exists. . . Does it really exist? I don't know. But if it does I want to experience it completely. I mean experience the love God has for me. Experience the freedom of being treated as an equal, as an independent person, respected, boundaries, loved. True love that includes someone who thinks of others first and not himself first. A giver, not a taker.

Another Day in Motherhood

2006-07-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

Another Tuesday.
Out of creamer this morning so I ran to the store before my coffee.
The big event of the day was to take my kids and their two friends who happen to be brother and sister as well to McDonalds for lunch and then out for a game of bowling. I decided to bowl today.
We were all feeling competitive. 3 of us were first borns and we all wanted to win!
All the kids made up names for themselves to put on the screen.
Thirty minutes has passed since I began my entry. I made dinner for the kids. My daughter is having toquetos and rice. My son is having macaroni and cheese, toquetos, and rice. I am having falafel. Well just a little bit of falafel. I'm taking the rest with me to my class tomorrow because I will be hungry when it is over and I probably won't want to eat much since I am taking my son and his friends out to dinner tomorrow night for his birthday. I hope I have a good appetite because it will be a treat for me to get to go out for dinner. It's almost been 3 months since I've had a decent dinner. My life is all about macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, spaghetti, sandwhiches. Lately, I've gotten my son to eat salad. I'm very impressed with that! I can eat a salad with him. Otherwise it's crackers and cheese for me pretty much with carrots and an occasional artichock. I can't remember the last time I had a fillet steak! Back in the day we ate them all the time. But those days have since passed me by. I remember when I met my husband I hadn't eaten red meat for over two years. It's not that I'm against meat (well kinda against chicken just cuz the fat and veins are gross) it's just that I was a broke student so I lived on salads and cheese and crackers. Oh and beer.
So today my son tells me on the way home that I do not punish him enough and he wishes I would be harder on him. So before we got home I gave him and his sister a 30 minute time out that was to commence as soon as we arrived home. He seemed pretty content after that. Their friends were shocked to see that he wanted a time out. They get in trouble a lot more than my kids do, but they are not bad kids, they just want attention from their parents. I'm the type of parent who makes the mistake of laughing at their inappropriate jokes. Or acting silly with them. Sigh, my living room is a mess, my bird is staring at me, my kids are bathed at least, I better get in the shower.
Oh, but I must clean up the kitchen a bit before. I've slacked on the house for a few days and now I have to get my butt in gear and clean. And do some wash. And pick up the house. And . . . grocery shop, but not until Thursday. Oh and i wanted to wash the car today. I'll just have to go to the car wash tomorrow. Sigh some more. . . . I really miss having a house cleaner. I miss a lot of things but it does me no good to dwell on that. What's the next indicated thing to do. Get off the computer and put the food away, etc. Put a load of laundry in and take the bird upstairs and get into the shower. Too bad I'm getting in the shower with Mr. Wonderful - I could some of that! Later Blog Freaks! Lisa

Trying To Keep Up With My Kids

2006-07-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm having to take some serious action with my daughter. She is only 7 years old and she is disobeying constantly. Everything I tell her not to do she does. She is strong willed and she knows I threaten more than follow thru. Now I am paying the price. When I give her a time out and tell her enough is enough she either has an excuse or she whines at me. I hate that!!! I hate whinny kids!
Tonight I tell her no more candy and about 20 minutes later I see her unwrapping another piece of candy and when I say 'I told you no more candy, put that away' she just keeps unwrapping it! I told her not to give the neighbor kid any money and she gave her a dollar. At bedtime my daughter asked me if she was in trouble for doing that and I said 'no'. I tried to explain to her that this friend of hers (who is a few years older) will talk her into giving her money but she will not ever be generous with her money to my daughter. My daughter doesn't understand the difference in people or she doesn't want to understand. This upsets me that I cannot use simple logic with her. My son is more like my personality and I can explain things to him and he totally gets it. Not my daughter. She has been wanting to go to Target with the $5 she earned watering the neighbors plants when they were out of town, but now she only has a few dollars left so I am not going to take her. If she pulls her attitude on me I am just going to have to give her a major time out. This kid is always one step ahead of me. The last time I gave her a time out she opened her window and was talking to the kids outside from her room. She was making faces and entertaining them. So I had to lay down the law on that and say to her ' when you are having a time out you may not open your window or even stand at your window and look out. '
I am pretty sure this kid is going to be a very big challenge in her teen years! Time to read some of the books I have on strong willed children - I hope I'm not too late!
Later Blog Freaks - Lisa

My Little Disco Birdie

2006-07-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

Hey Blog Freaks!
I bought a baby cockatiel for my daughter a few weeks ago but I spend more time with the bird so it feels like my bird. I'm glad I only let her get a bird! I've been reading about the care of these birds and what they like, etc.
The cockatiel is in the parrot family, it is a miniature bird and only gets about 12 inches long when it is an adult. They live for 15 to 20 years and they can get really bossy or very bratty when they mature so you have to establish dominance over them when they are babies.
Cockatiels like bright colors and ours has a beaded toy with bells for it to play with. Tonight I had the bird on my shoulder while I was getting my daughter's bath ready and I decided to do some cleaning instead of just watching TV. I didn't want the bird on my shoulder while I was moving around and I was looking for something to let him stand on so he could see himself in the mirror and be occupied. My daughter went and got this light she has that kinda resembles a traffic light. It is a black rectangle with a yellow, green, and red round light. Each light turns on for a few seconds and then turns off and then it switches to the next light. The bird pecked at the lights and walked around them and looked at them the entire time! He didn't even take time to look in the mirror. My daughter and I joked that the bird was having his disco light therapy. It worked really well!
And to think I almost threw out that light a year ago because the kids got tired of it!
Later - Lisa

Charles - The Bird

2006-06-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

I bought a bird for my daughter last Thursday. It has only been one week and - well - the bird may belong to my daughter and she may be the one who cleans the cage, but guess who is the bird's mama? Uhuh, ME! He is on my shoulder right now. Cleaning his feathers. I take him out of the cage for a few hours in the a.m. and then in the evening for a few hours. He is now talking to me when he gets on my shoulder. His crest will be completely down and he does these soft chirps. I wanted to change my clothes and I tried to take him off my shoulder and put him on the bed. He pecked at my finger and would not get on. So I put my shoulder down on the bed and thought he would walk off. But this bird got right in the middle of my back so I could not see him by turning my head to either side. I had to get my daughter to get her bird off my back. Now he is doing something with my hair. He tries to eat my earings and has bitten my ear. Today when I started eating dinner, he wanted to eat too. So I cut up some peanuts for him to eat from my hand because I'm sure he cannot have pepperoni pizza! Anyway, he is a very sweet bird and I now have a new baby in the house - Charles - Prince Charles.
Later Blog Freaks! Lisa

I Wanna Be A Cowboy!

2006-06-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

Hey Blog Freaks!
Happy 4th of July to everyone! I love the 4th of July and I love to celebrate it in style! However, I'm not doing the 4th in style this year, but one day I will. I know that. I love watching the fireworks over the water while the band plays that famous song (I can't remember the name).
I'm watching TV with the kids and getting distracted from my thoughts. . . .
I took a personality test yesterday with this therapist I've seen a few times. It turns out that my personality type is that of the 'helper'. This means that when I think of a situation or an action I first think about how it will affect others rather than how it will affect myself. I knew I was a giver/helper type, but it was the first time I really digested the fact that some people only think of actions or situations and how it will effect them rather than how it will effect others. Everyone is different and I believe we are created by God so I am not saying that either mind set is good or bad, just different. However, any personality type to the extreme or distorted becomes toxic.
Realizing that it is my nature to think of others first and also knowing that lately I've been thinking of myself and my desires first is a step in the right direction.
I can now understand why I've worried about my kids and my husband so much and worried about how life changes would effect them. Wanting them to be ok, well adjusted, like it is my job to make sure everyone is okay. Now it is my job to take care of my children and provide them with a loving home and teach them the morals and standards I think God wants them to live by, but there is a place where I end and everyone else begins. I need to do what I think is the right action and leave the rest up to God. Understanding my personality and understanding that I have become distorted in my role as a mom and a wife helps me to unhook from the over-demanding-taking-too-much-responsibility aspect of myself.
I also learned that when I am actually operating in a healthy mode for my personality I will be in the category of Romantic rather than Helper. I find this interesting because I have been getting in touch a lot more with my romantic and sensual side lately. I'm thinking to myself it is part of my mid-life crises and yesterday I found out that it is really my true nature. So it makes sense that I picked a 'boss' type as a spouse because I'm not really concerned with organization or direction like he is and I used to really beat myself up that I wasn't more of an achiever. I was so concerned with it, that I actually became an accountant in my business I had with my husband and when I was in college I hated accounting. I am proud to say that I am starting a new business and it has nothing to do with accounting!! It is something that will embrace my creativity and my people skills. Finally, for the first time I am focusing on my growth in a way that is connected with who I really am. AND for the first time in my life I am not ashamed or discouraged by who I am.
When I found out that I was a romantic I started making sense of things. Why it is important for me to buy 400 thread count sheets for my kids (cuz they just feel so good). Why I like sexy clothes and lots of shoes! Why I love to get pedicures and massages! Why I love to pamper others in ways that most people don't think of. I have to go now because my kids will not calm down until I go see them and give them a foot massage. Yes, I give my kids who are only 7 and 9 foot massages and 400 threat count sheets. Shouldn't everyone have a mom like me?
Later Blog Freaks! Lisa

The Goings On In My Mid-Life Day

2006-06-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

Watching Shreik with the kids. Charlie, our new bird (Cockateal) is out of his cage and currently with my daughter - it is her bird. The bird likes me and my husband too. Charlie likes to nibble on my earrings and my daughters' hair. Now he is trying to eat my ankle bracelet. I think he is getting ready to jump up onto my computer! He's the new baby in the house. I cut up peanuts and green peas for him because his beak to little to pick up a regular sized pea.
Charlie has settled on my jean pant leg and is cleaning himself.
I thought I had something to write about, but I am distracted by this movie and the bird.
Ya Gotta Gotta Try A Little Love And Tenderness -
This weekend was eventful. It's pretty centered around the kids and the house. Now I'm distracted once again because the end of the movie is here where Shreik and Fiona dance and sing with Donkey and the Dragon and all the fairy tale characters. Shreik is singing Don't Go Changing to Fiona - and on and on. . . . . . . . Who thinks up all this funny stuff? I love it!

I just can't do two things at one time. . . Later Blog Freaks - Lisa

If it wasn't such a freikin struggle!!!!

2006-06-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

I see how some people really like to operate in the 'struggle' mode. Like they've fallen into a pit and they have to scratch their way out.
Struggle, oh it's such a struggle. If I can just . . . . pull . . . . myself. . . . out. . . .

Then you have people who want to party before they work. Life is a party and work is just something you do so you have the money for your party. This can really drive the people in the pit crazy because even if they managed to pull the party people into the pit with them, the party people will turn on the music and the blender and start dancing. Now when the person in the pit gets all pissed off that the party people are having too much fun they will scold and tell them to get to work digging their way out of the pit. The party people help dig out because they know they are going to have one hell of the party once they are out of the pit, but you know what always happens? When the party people are at work, the pit people actually start digging another pit and they actually jump into it. This is a big secret so don't tell anyone, the pit people like to be in the pit, they like to dig. Like a mole likes to dig, so do the pit people. So if you are a party person who likes to have fun in life, be on the lookout for the pit people. They may try to throw you into a pit with them! I've even heard about party people getting stuck in the pit and not able to get out. Or they have to get out with the pit person hanging onto them and then shake the pit person off of them.
Word to the wise: the next time you meet a person in a pit, just walk away. Leave them there or your life will no longer be any fun. Take it from me. I'm a party person and I've been stuck in a pit with a pit person (see I didn't know they actually dig the pits and jump into them) and it's hell getting out!
Later ya freaks! Lisa

It's OK To Disagree

2006-06-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

I hope:
You have more joy, love, laughter.
I hope:
You'll have more than you'll ever need.
I hope:
You'll have all the happy ever after's.
I hope:
We can loose all the pain and misery.

I wish:
Life was as easy as a song. We could just sing about it and everything would be better. We could just sing about it and everyone would get it, they would understand.
I wish:
My husband wouldn't get so hurt when I don't want to talk - I want to get lost in my thoughts - listening to my new CD - thinking about the kids - thinking about me - thinking my head is getting clearer - feeling like God is blessing me for staying sober - 30 days today - that was a long 30 days - too long! So very very strange. I had 15 years of total sobriety. Today I have 30 days. Just too damn weird! Just so different too. When I was 23 years old it was like I was living a non-productive life or on my way to becoming a looser or something - like somehow I had been a bad girl. This time it is so not like that for me. It is like I need a clean head so I can think and move forward in the direction that is best for me for the next half of my life. How am I going to be the best mom for my kids? How am I going to live my potential, my potential, not anyone else's. My life. Not our life. Not your life. My life. My children. My choices. My desires. My needs. My acceptance of myself.
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy. It's so hard when it doesn't come fast. Don't give up. Don't give in. Be strong. Have Hope. Smile. Don't dwell on what you don't have. If you keep taking the little steps one day you will awake and realize you are living the life God meant for you to live - no chains, no bars, but freedom, light heartedness. The heaviness will have faded away and it will be MY LIFE.
Late Ya Blog Freaks - Now go get freaky - Lisa

It Comes and It Goes

2006-06-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

I feel good, then I feel bad.
I feel love, then I feel rejection.
I feel desired, then I feel forgotten.
I feel strong, then I feel weak.
I feel slim, then I feel fat.
I feel pretty, then I feel ugly.
I feel safe, then I feel used.
I feel free, then I feel judged.
I feel complete, then I feel torn apart.
I feel satisfied, then I feel desperate.
I feel knowledgeable, then I feel stupid.
I feel hope, then I feel lost.
I feel happy, then I feel sad.

This Too Shall Pass They Say - This Too Shall Pass - Pass Me By - My Life Shall Pass Me By

Sometimes It Just Doesn't . . .

2006-06-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

When he tells you he's busy, but he's not talking business, try listening next time.
When he ignores you stop calling/emailing.
When you think you're going to die, try laying down and see if you really stop breathing.

Gonna Take A Lot Of Lovin'

2006-06-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

To fix this broken heart. . . . .
Not feeling sorry for myself today. Not feeling resentful. Not feeling like to hell with it either. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm actually feeling very free or as free as I've felt in a long time. I'm feeling like I'm making my own decisions again. I'm feeling in control of myself.
It could all change at any moment as I do not know how solid this is, but each and every day I am getting stronger. I thought about drinking today, but I did not have the urge to drink, but the day isn't over yet!!!!
I hear the kids in the hood playing in my garage. They could all play down the street outside at the boy's house who has the big basketball thing in his driveway, but they would rather play in my garage with a little ball and a hoop I bought my daughter that hangs on the door. It's an indoor thing but I got to where I could not stand the noise upstairs so my husband put in the garage and we move the cars out. There they play. I think it's because I go out there and talk with the kids, tell them they are doing good. They are at my house or my yard a lot. That's OK because then I know what they are doing.
This year parenting has taken a step further and I have had to come up with new stratedgies and ways of dealing with my kids. I am doing it, but it is not easy and I feel totally worn out when they really test me. My kids' personalities are comming out even more this year, last night my daughter was totally trying to piss my son off. Then when I got upset with her she got really mad at me! I think she wanted to have a fight!!! She wanted to justify her anger. I've recently learned that anger is an emotion people exhibit when they are not able to let themselves feel hurt. It's a cover up emotion. So I see I have work to do. I see no matter how hard you try, your kids are going to have their share problems. The difference between me and my parents way of dealing with it is that I am telling my kids things like "Anger is a cover up emotion. If you don't deal with your feelings you are going to suffer in your adult relationships." I will listen to my kids and I will try to help them. But I can see right now, I've failed in some way or the world has had it's impact on them already because they have insecurities and they have ways of dealing with them they will not really help them to overcome the insecurities they have.
I really believe I need to stay in praryer with God. I need to ask God's protection on them. I need to ask God to reveal to me what it is I can do to be a good parent (probably example), etc. I have to follow through. I have to seek to read, go to seminars, talk with other parents and find out what works for them.
I remember potty training my son. I had him doing pee in the tolit, but he would not poop in the tolit. He got big enough that he would poop in the diaper and then take the diaper off. I had gotten him to pee in the tolit by doing this: I took him to toys r us and let him pick out a toy he really wanted. We brought it home and everytime he went pee in the tolit, he got to get the toy out and play with it for 15 minutes. He then had to put the toy back until the next time. This worked really well and he liked following the rules on that. However, it wasn't enough to get him to poop in the tolit. So we read books on it, that didn't work. When I spoke to some friends they said tell him that when he turns 4 he doesn't get to wear a diaper or pull ups during the day anymore and he will have to begin to poop in the tolit. I did that and it worked!! Just like they said. He pooped either once or twice in his underwear and that was the end of that. My daughter didn't even require potty training because one day after my son went pee in his little potty chair and was getting big hugs from me and grandma, my daughter who was barely talking said "my turn" and me and grandma looked at eachother in surprise and said "ok". We got her on the potty and sure enough, she went!! That was that.
Ok, time for some house work before the arts and craft thing I'm taking kids to in a bit.
Later Blog Freaks!!!
Lisa

Stay in the Moment

2006-06-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

Oh Boy, What a week! What a year! What a mess!
My life has been turned upside down by me!
I decided to get out of my victim role and do something about my unhappiness. The only problem is that I can't turn it around in just a few moments or just a few hours or even a few days. It takes time to un-do all the knots I've made in the threads of my life.
I can see beautiful blue sky and clouds out my sliding glass door. I can see a hill top with lots of trees on top and the little branches on the sidewalk tree's swaying in the breeze. It is a sunny peaceful look and I need to be there, in the moment. Not in the future (is my husband going to bring this shit up again when he gets home that we just got done fighting about?), not in the past (I can't believe I reacted like that, now he knows the button to push to get me back in the psycho game we play), just stay here in the moment. A beautiful day. Many things to be grateful for.
I have some paper work I will get done over the weekend. I will not allow distractions, but I also need to commit to not allow my husband to piss me off and get me off center because then I am unable to concentrate and remember what the hell I am doing!!!
Everything is going to be OK. I have to keep telling myself that. I have been in a panic over my finances. I think my husband actually enjoys this in a sick way. I can not live like this. It is just too crazy for me.
I am going to concentrate on living here and now. I am ok right now. I am sober right now. That is all that matters.
Later Blog Freaks!
Lisa

I'VE BEEN BUSY

2006-06-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'VE BEEN BUSY!!!!!!
I'VE BEEN BUSY!!!!!!
I'M BUSY!!!!!!
I'VE BEEN BUSY!!!!!!
I'M A VERY BUSY PERSON!!!!!!
I'M SO BUSY!!!!!!!
BUSY!BUSY!BUSY!BUSY!
I'M TOO BUSY FOR YOU!!!!!!
I'M TOO BUSY TO TAKE TIME FOR YOU!!!!!!
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M BUSY THAT'S WHO!!!
WELL MR. BUSY, GO GET BUSY GETTING BUSY CUZ YOU ARE A VERY BUSY PERSON!!!!!
I'M BUSY TOO - BUSY GETTING TOO BUSY FOR YOU!!!!!!
SO GO GET BUSY GETTIN BUSY CUZ YOU ARE SO BUSY YOU ARE JUST TOO BUSY 4 ME!!!!!!!!!!

Closet Country?

2006-06-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

So today I go looking for my Big and Rich CD and I'm up-stairs looking by my husband's drum kit - we were listening to it on the stereo yesterday and I was singing on the microphone with my daughter and neighbor, husband playing the drums, we put our sound through the speakers with the music.
So back to my story. I go up there to see if it is still up there and I find a Toby Keith CD!!!!!
What's up with that??????
A greatest Hits CD from 2004!!!! This is a man who listens to Heavy Metal - Metalica! I have to say don't listen to that devil music when I'm in the house!!! And I find a Toby Keith CD up there? How long has he had that? So I took it. HA!
It is very good and I'm enjoying it a lot. I am going to have to put it on my iPod. It is very nice music, goes from happy tunes to very sweet love songs (which make me a little love sick). How nice it would be to actually have a man who is that romantic - like they are in the songs they write.

The Great Email Corruption!

2006-06-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

My yahoo was totally corrupted today!! Now that's something to say Yahooooo about! I just abandoned the son of a (bad word). Filters didin't work. Spam report didn't work. So just walk away. I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to figure it out.
Later Blog Freaks - Lisa

Sunday Afternoon

2006-06-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

Sigh. . .
I need to check on a few things but I would rather just blog right now. I need to stay focused. I let my mind wander a bit and now I'm a little off center. I have some errands to run tomorrow and that means taking my kids with me. That part is ok. I hate being broke so much!!! I mean broke too. Not like 'I'm on a budget, I can't spend" It's more like "I hope the soccer camp doesn't cash the check until Wednesday or it's gonna bounce broke".
My husband got really upset with me when I said I realized he had the propensity to live at a much more severe level of survival than I do. He said I can't hold the past against him (shit, why not just the present then?). Stuff like that. It's weird when you make your mind, at least it is for me. When I become resolved I no longer have the need to fight. I don't need to prove anything or even get my point across. So when my husband said that to me (can't hold his past against him) I just said 'ok'. I think in my mind 'well I do hold it against you and I feel very foolish for not realizing this stuff at an earlier age'.
My husband is trying so hard to win back my affection - well trying really hard for someone like him. Today, however, when I asked him to put some toothpaste on my toothbrush and hand it to me (it was in the shower and so was he), he got a bit pissy. Said to me "hey just because I'm being nice don't think I'm gonna start doing a bunch of stuff for you" "pretty soon you will want me to wipe your ass".
I'd put toothpaste on his toothbrush - I've done it a lot over the years. I know I haven't asked him to do that more than 5 times in 18 years, but OK, whatever. Ok enough of my pissing and moaning.
On Tuesday, there is going to be a meeting for the mom's who can help take care of Christopher this summer. I am going to volunteer to watch him for a week. Christopher is Margie's son (she just died of brain cancer). I want to help and I'm glad my brain is clear enough to have the desire to help with the care of Christopher. That right there is the stuff that counts. What am I doing to help to help man-kind?
Later Ya Freaks!!! Lisa

June 9th, Mid Life

2006-06-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

I recently read that mid life doesn't actually happen until like 55 or 60, I am only in early adulthood. This IS good news since I didn't really come out of my teen age years until 30.

Ever wonder to yourself: How did I fucking wind up in this situation? Not like I wasn't participating in my life. . . . . Not like I've been frozen for the past ten years. . . . So what the fuck? . . . . . . So glad I have my kids. . . . I so hope that I am not delusional! . . . . . . I may very well be delusional . . . I may think something exists that doesn't really exist . . . . It only exists in my mind . . . In my dreams, in my fantasies . . . Could be the truth . . . . So if it is the truth . . . Then what? . . . Would I change anything? . . . . Absolutely Not! . . . . You know why? . . . There are plenty of delusions out there for me to have . . . . . I can live my life in them . . .. Now that does sound crazy!

At my age, I'm ready for change. . I'm ready for the risk . . I'm ready. . . What have I got to lose?
I've already lost everything . . . Lost all the worldly shit that is. . . . Lost love . . . . Still have my children and I still have their trust and their love and I do not want to lose that . . . I don't want to lose hope . . I have hope . . . I have desire . . I have passion . . . To be a woman . . To feel like I make a difference . . . To be a part of something that is good . . . To grow as a person . . To have adventure . . . . . To enrich my kids' lives, not teach them that life is only about getting by, but that life is an adventure and a learning experience and something to cherish. . . .

Later - I'm not drinking today. I'm in control. I'm trusting my intuition.

Deep Breath

2006-06-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

Take one step at a time. Take one day at a time. I took action today in my life. I wish I didn't have to do certain things. I wish it was easier. I can't keep taking the easier and softer way. The dread is minimized if I take the step (action) I need to for the day. It gets easier every time I take action.
Even though I came home today and my water had been turned off because I did not pay that bill, I called the water company and paid the bill. I broke down afterwards crying and feeling sorry for myself thinking things like "even when I was totally broke in college this never happened to me" blaming my husband's refusal to work as my main problem. I then had to say to myself "Lisa, you are your main problem because you are the one who is in a relationship with this man". I had my cry and I moved on. My kids don't know it happened and I am grateful for that. I was able to pay the bill. I am grateful for that. I'm broke until next week, but I have gas in the car and food in the refrigerator and the water is on, the lights are on. For now, that has to be good enough. I am definitely going through a humbling process - this is not the way I was raised and I've never lived like this. I realize now that I just didn't listen when my husband told me stories of how he lived when he was young, I just never thought he could go back there, but I see now that he has a deeper tolerance for misery than I do. Man, I cannot let my kids grow up like this - success is my only mother fucking option - failure is not!!!!!!
Later Blog Freaks! Lisa

Resentments

2006-06-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

I rencently realized that I have been nursing a few resentments against family members for a very long time. I have felt very justified in having these resentments and probably most people would agree that I have a right to be angry.
However, I know today that these resentments will kill me spiritually. I have used these resentments to justify my weakness, my bad attitude, my self pity. All of these defects of my character that cause me great pain in my life.

I was recently told and read in a book that the only way to get rid of these resentments is to pray for the people who you resent or who you feel have harmed you. Doesn't that seem like a crazy idea to you? It does to me. Unless of course I was praying for revenge! It has been recommended that you pray for all good things for them. Well today I did. I got on my knees and I prayed for my family members with tears in my eyes. I only did this because I've been told it works and I want to make changes in my life. I believe the only way I'm gonna do this life thing better than how I've been doing it is by getting rid of the wreckage in my past. I don't want to carry any bad shit forward to the future. I want a clean slate. I want to be the best mom and best lover and best friend I can be to those people in my life that I care about. So I'm taking these steps to get out of my self pity. I have plenty of it too. It's an ugly thing and I've had enough!

What A Day!

2006-06-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

Life just keeps on happening. I thought I would be so depressed today, but I am not and I think it is because I dealt with stuff today as it happened and also received the affirmation I wanted.

Today I attended the funeral of my friend Margie. Her last word was 'peace'. This was good to know, but then I knew Margie would work through her eminet death and accept it because she was a woman with strong faith and she trusted God even though he was taking her away from raising her 7 year old son. I took my daughter so she could say Hi to Christopher, Margie's son. Our kids had play dates together and Christopher came to Christiana's birthday party last year. Margie was a stay at home mom and she helped at the school a lot. I met her when both of our kids were being tested for kindergarten almost two years ago. She approached me and was so easy to talk to. I was still taking lots of valium back then and I did not want to reach out to anyone. But Margie was so nice and non-judgmental. It was easy to like her. Margie died exactly one year after my husbands' dad died - to the day. They are buried at cemetery's that are only separated by a road, so it will be easy to visit her and him at the same time. I know Margie came with a message that she never had to speak to anyone. At least she did not have to speak it to me. It is the message that even if God calls you home your kids are going to be OK. God is in control. His ways are not our ways. His mind is not our mind. We can not understand or see why things happen the way they do, but God always has our best interests in mind and we need to trust that. Margie was the picture of health. She had a beautiful smile, she was slim, she went to the gym, took good care of herself and her family. Did not engage in reckless behavior. Loved God. And she died early. So no matter what, you can not avoid your time to die. We do so many things to make ourselves think we are in control of our lives, but we are not the ones who are ultimately in control. I will never forget Margie. I will never forget Curtis. Both of these friends died with 7 year old sons. My daughter is 7 and my son is 9. I get to spend the summer with them. I am blessed. I may be broker than ever, but I am blessed as a mother. I need to remember that. Margie helps me to remember that I am loved. I forget that all the time. It was a beautiful 75 degree day here in Portland, Oregon. It couldn't have been a nicer spring day as we stood around her beautiful pink casket with roses on it. Realizing that Margie had just gone through the toughest 4 weeks of her life. Being told she was going to die and there wasn't a thing she could do to stop it. The turmoil and pain she had to endure knowing she was leaving behind her son who would always bear the scare of losing his mom at age 7. Knowing that there wasn't enough time to get everything done she wanted before she left. And having to come to peace before her last breath. She made it through and her life touched me. I am thankful for that.
God Bless You Blog Freaks - May you know peace in your lives - Lisa

I Wish I Knew

2006-06-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

I hate not knowing what is wrong. Did I do or say something hurtful? If I did then isn't the responsibility of the person I hurt to tell me? So I can know what I did and make it better?

Or maybe it's just that things are not what I thought they were. I thought it meant something. How can I feel so strongly about something and be wrong? A change has taken place. I guess I was fooling myself. I guess I was alone in my feelings. I guess I was alone in my desires. I am hurt. Rejected. Sad. I have to let go. Give the space needed. And accept it if the time is indefinite. Get over it. Learn.

I am reminded by the song by Alanis Morisette titled You Learn. It's about learning from your mistakes and learning from life. You cry, you learn. You choke, you learn. However, sitting here I have to say that just because I feel hurt, rejected and sad doesn't have to equal mistake. I'm always associating pain with mistakes. I may have mis-judged. I may have trusted and let my guard down when I should not have. But does it mean I made a mistake. I allowed myself to feel and I felt good. At least I know it is possible. I am strong. I trust God. I want to be swept off my feet. I want a prince. Where is my knight? I so wanted it to be different, but then I'm only thinking of myself. I'm not being fair. I want to be fair. Tell me what to do. . . . I need answers. I feel so lost.

Take My Advise - I'm Not Using It

2006-06-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Sleepy. . . . I finally got a good night's sleep. . . I haven't slept good in over a week. . . .

The situation of my crises shows me how much everything changes over time and yet some things remain constant. I have been really out of control lately. Very volatile. Confused. Stressed. To the breaking point. Ready to jump off the ledge of a very tall building, with the building representing my life for the past 18 years.

I got to a point where I couldn't hold it in any longer. I have no energy to be nice or exercise self control. The desire to compromise is gone because the desire to continue to achieve the goal of what I thought was the way to live my life has vanished. It's like I had a revelation that all the hard work and sacrifice was not paying the dividends I expected or that I thought I was promised. I realize that investments have good years and bad years and you have to look at the overall term and average your return. Lately, I've been looking at my investment in my choices in life and I think after 18 years the return is flat. Zero. I'm not worse off, I'm just not better off.

So I have to look at that. Answer questions I have. When I was young decisions were easier because I only had myself to think about as opposed to having to consider my children's welfare. However, I lacked the insight to myself that I now possess. I see patterns of how I cope with life and it has become very evident that when things get tough, I run. I escape. This can be a very useful tool if you are in a burning building! However, part of my escape involves not a physical escape, but rather a mental escape. The mental escape is a very dangerous one because the building is still on fire, but I'm just sitting in it. Not stressing because I've mentally checked out. Seeing now that to do this will lead to my death as well. It may not be as painful, but ends the same way.

I associate the lack of desire to having a kitchen fire that maybe I could put out with some effort, but not having any desire and then mentally checking out leads to a bigger fire and eventually it gets so big that I can not do a damn thing about it.

I have been given the desire to no longer allow myself to mentally check out. I see that will not solve a damn thing. I have taken that step. It is a struggle for me each day. Part of me still wants to check out (drink until I can turn off the craziness in my mind and relax), but that leads me to lack of action and I can not stand being 'stuck'. I can not stand the same ol, same ol. I have to feel like I am progressing, improving, getting better, living. The feeling of being stuck or settling makes me depressed.

I have decided to concentrate on my children this summer. I am not working and I am going to take them to the beach for a week while my husband is in school. I really need this time to with them and relax in their world. Last night I watched the movie Like Mike with my children and I think that has some to do with sleeping so well. I relaxed. My children have a really good effect on me. They keep me centered. Focused. I am very excited to think about taking them to the beach. I want to take them where the sand dunes are so they can enjoy a new experience. Being from California, I am not familiar with Oregon beaches. I have noticed that the ocean sounds differently here and I much prefer California, but I have not given Oregon a chance yet.

I've signed my daughter up for soccer camp which starts in a few weeks and I enjoy the fact that she is looking forward to that a lot! I need to find something for my son, however, he is very content to read and play video games.

My marriage crises is still there. I'm not ready to finalize any decision in that area of my life. I need time to get honest with that part of myself. I don't it all figured out yet. My desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies of what I want for my personal future. . . . Is it realistic? Is it doable? Will it lead to long term satisfaction? Or is it craziness? Doomed to fail? Leads to disappointment, unfulfilled? All that I don't know. My top priority is my mental health, emotional, spiritual health and that of my children. My husband has to be concerned for his own well being, not me. I have wants and desires in my life that are very strong, but it is not something I'm ready to talk about to anyone. So back to the basics cuz I don't have life figured out. . . One Day At A Time. Just For Today I Will Find The Good In Life.

Later Blog Freaks - Lisa

Friday

2006-06-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

Taking kids to bagel shop this morning cuz it's Friday. I guess I'll go the gym, but I don't really want too. However, I'll feel much better after working out.
Sigh. . . . . difficult for me to accept my life as it is. Wanting the circumstances to be different. Still living in the fantasy at times. Thinking about things and dreaming about things that are not my reality. The dream I had really made me feel lost this morning when I awoke. So it is really important that I stick to my routine (what routine?) today.
Difficult for me to trust. To allow things to happen without my control. Give space when others need it. When I need space I expect it will be given and I can not stand it if someone tries to control me. But you ask for space and I struggle with giving what I want given to me.
I don't think it's gonna be an easy day for me. I need to stay busy. I really want to run away today already and I have not had to deal with anything yet, except for thinking about Curtis. That gave me a heavy heart. Well, time to get the kids up because I'm still living on this earth and now I'm responsible for two little ones.
Later my fellow freaks. . . . Lisa

Margie

2006-06-02T05:52:00.000-07:00

I woke up thinking about Margie. Her smile. Her kind face. Her kind and friendly demeanor. Her attention and love for her son, Christopher. The first time we met. . . . Our kids were being tested for kindergarten a few weeks or maybe even months before school began. It was a nice day and we were at the playground. I sat down on the curb area and had my feet in the wood chips while my son played. I noticed her but I did not say 'Hi'. I probably smiled but didn't reach out. She came up and sat by me and started talking to me. We talked and I liked her. After school began we would run into each other at school, both helping in the classroom on the same day. Our kids had play dates, my daughter and her son. Last summer we ran into each other at the outdoor pool. Our kids swam together and her and I talked.
When I heard the news that a mom at our school had brain cancer I never thought it would be someone I knew. Never. She just took such good care of herself. She had perfect teeth. Good skin. Lived a clean life. A kind heart.
Margie died Tuesday night. Little Christopher lost his mommy. She loved and hugged him so much. It just doesn't seem real to me. How can it be? I keep thinking about her now and then throughout the day. I probably will for a very long time. When Curtis died it really impacted me. He was the vice principal at the school I worked at. We talked a lot. I was so open back then, only 28 years old, Curtis was 42 when he died. I remember him telling me his ribs hurt and he thought he had pulled the muscle from the bone. He eventually went to the Dr. and found out he had cancer. That was in November and he was dead in March. He had just gotten married in August that year and my husband and I filmed the wedding for him and his wife. I remember Curtis telling me when he was in the hospital that when he got out he was going fishing in Montana. Curtis never made it to Montana. I also remember him telling me he loved me just a few days before he died and that he was gonna be in heaven. I was sitting on the hospital bed and giving him something to drink, 7=up I think.
And now Margie. I was not as close to Margie, but it is still in impact. Both of them in their early 40's. I cry still today over Curtis. His death really made a impression on me. I think seeing Curtis there in the hospital, him talking about fishing. . . Joking with me when I said 'Curtis, why were you staying with your mom? and he said to me that his new wife's idea of taking care of him after he got out of the hospital the first time was a bowl of canned soup. The way he said it made me laugh and he laughed too. We connected like that. Even when he was dying we were still sharing a joke. I remember Curtis had a 7 yr. old from his first marriage when he died. Little Christopher is probably 7 yrs. old too.
There is no guarantee. Everything Changes. You can accept it and live in trust or you can run from it and live in fear. We all have a choice.

Later Blog Freaks. . . . . Lisa

It is what it is - Whatever that is

2006-06-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

Today I stayed on schedule. My schedule. What I call a very lazy schedule. My neighbor said I had a normal day and it is shocking to me that she doesn't think of it as a lazy day like I do.
Take the kids to school. Go to the gym. Go to the grocery store. Eat. Go to a meeting. Back home and start the chili I was craving so it can simmer while I pick kids up from school. Pick up kids. Home. Eat. Make snack for kids. Lay down for an hour and sleep. Visit neighbors (no drinking). Dinner for kids. Clean cabinets in kitchen. Now kids watching TV and I have a few minutes. Oh and I squeezed in tear/talk time to husband reflecting on 18 years of marriage and what went wrong. No blaming. We interacted the way we did. He wants to work it out. I don't. He says I love him so it can work. I say I love him in that I care about his welfare. I want him to be happy. I want him to be a good daddy to our children. I wish him success. But no love in the romantic way. No desire to spend time together. No shared interests. Well a few, but I just don't enjoy time with him any longer. Don't really want to listen to him.

Funny how things change. There was a time when I wanted him to have the desire for our marriage like he now has. I would do anything. I worked on myself in therapy. I made compromises. I worked my ass off to make our life good. And now I'm done. I'm retired. Finished. I know being a single mom is going to be tough. My time will be stretched. I will struggle to make a good life for us. I'll have lonely days. I also know that I won't have to deal with another persons' bad day. I'll have the freedom to decide where we go for vacation. What car I want to drive. Who I want to hang out with. What time I go to bed and what time I get up. What music I listen to. And on and on. I'm just too tired to make a relationship work. It works or it doesn't. Somewhere along the line we forgot how to have fun together. I became guarded. I got hurt too many times.

Today, I did not feel like my head was going to explode off my shoulders. However, I haven't gone to sleep yet, so there is that possibility. It's time to read to the kids.
Later Ya freaks -
Lisa

Take It For What It Is

2006-05-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

It's good to say here is the deal. Here is the situation. No more, no less. Don't read into it. Don't make it more than it is. Don't make it less than it is. It is what it is. Put it in the proper place. Live and Let Live. One Day At A Time. Keep your perspective. Don't be in charge of everything. Take time to reflect. Accept each and every situation throughout each day as if it is supposed to be that way at that very moment in time. Then instead of fighting the current you will find yourself floating along and eventually you will relax.

Good Night. . . . . . . . . . ..

Year Ago Today

2006-05-31T22:51:00.000-07:00

So into myself today and every damn day lately. Today marks the one year since my husbands' dad died. After picking the kids up from school, we met my husband and mother-in-law and all went to the cemetary together. So many flowers everywhere because of memorial day. My husband's dad was in the military for 20 years and is burried in a place for people who served. It is a beautiful cemetary. I cut the flowers and place them in the little vases with water, that's my job because I worked in a flower shop in college. So I take care of the flower arranging. Grandma cleans the head stone. We all prayed. I know it was a sad day for my husband. It is difficult for me to have compassion because I do not have a family. I wish I could offer more support. It was good to go and see grandpa today. Life has it serious times too.

My Patience Is Gone!

2006-05-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

My kids love to have time with me each night but because they argued and did not brush their teeth without incident I took away the privledge of reading time together. They did not like this and my daughter waited until after I tucked her into bed and was talking to my son to come and tell me that she has a sore throat. So I have to tell her that I'll help her when I'm done with her brother. Of course she just wants more time with me because she didn't get reading time. She did not want a cough drop, she wanted to have medicine which required going down stairs to get. I think she was working me and I know my kids, but then my husband had to put in his 2 cents. This is from the man laying in bed watching TV, simply giving me his opinion. That really pisses me off. It's like why don't you take her down stairs and give her some medicine?

Bottom Line is this: Everybody wants something from me. Something to eat. Something to do. Something to wear. Something to feel better. My time. My attention. And they want it until they are satisfied. Is it really my job to give and give and give until they are satisfied? My husband is included in this as well. By the time I have given to everyone, I am too tired to give to myself. Where do I fit in my schedule? Any free time usually consists of sleeping. Am I really supposed to feel like I got space because I went to the grocery store alone? Because I got to drive in the car alone on the way to pick the kids up from school? Is a trip to McDonalds after school really supposed to fill my need to get out and do something? Is the same old routine each and every day supposed to be enough for me? What is in it for me? When does it pay off? Why do I feel like the life is being sucked out of me? Why do I want to run away? Why do I have such a strong desire to be free? To feel the excitement of new things. To feel alive. To feel sexy. To feel appreciated. To be the one who is getting instead of giving. To go to the museum. To listen to jazz. To watch an R rated movie. To eat something besides macaroni and cheese. Sigh . . . . . This is my mid-life crises.

Great Scott!

2006-05-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

Watching Back To The Future with my daughter. . . . . When that movie came out I went to see it 4 times in the theatre. Now, I'd rather blog, but it's a good movie and ok on attitude and language for my kids.
Today I went to the gym. I went to a self help meeting. I am so freaked out that I have gotten so far away from my center, my gravity. I've gotten out of control lately. Been hittin' the sauce a little too much. At first it was a once in a great while thing and it was fun, relaxing. However, at some point it turned into a desire I would have when I was frustrated or upset or things were not going my way. In other words a crutch, it became a crutch. Slowly, crept up on me. So what began as fun turned into a liability. Therefore, I just have to walk away from drinking. I can not handle it the way most people can. I've had 14 years without drinking and was just as crazy and fun to hang out with.
Now, I have to deal with my frustations and when I have the desire to drink, I can not let myself do it. It doesn't solve anything and will only keep me stuck. I have to get unstuck. I have to keep living my life. I want to live the life that is available to me. Can't be done when I'm dwelling in self pity, resentment, etc.
I supposse I will be very moody for a bit.
Later on Blog Freaks.
I'm freakin out - Lisa

Still Seeing Double

2006-05-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

Man, I am having difficulty staying focused. Only five more weeks and school is out for the summer. I still need to check on swim lessons for the kids. I also need to check class schedules for a few other classes I would like my kids to be involved in. Sign my daughter up for Soccer Camp in June, and I need to make a schedule. I need to make a routine of what we will do each day in the summer, or I will end up just getting my chain yanked by household control freak.
There are other things I need to take care of as well. All these little parts of life and each one has to be organized. I look at my life a lot like the way an accountant looks at a general ledger. Although everything on my plate is of one life - mine (well my kids as well), there are many separate parts to it. Kids is a big part of it and I need to sit down and do some forecasting. If I do this now we will have a great summer. Even though they complain at times, if I keep them on a schedule and make them do the things I've planned, we have a much better day than if I just let do what they want. That's when we start staying up too late, sleeping in too long, eating too much just food and not enough meals together, just basically get lazy and unorganized. And because I will be at home with them for some time - hopefully all summer - I need the consistency so I don't fall into the same trap. Then my house falls apart, like it is right now. I look around and I think "Jeeze I have a lot to do" I hate housework. Especially when the kids come home everyday with enough paper to start their very own recycling plant. It ends up everywhere! There is the 'read' stack. There is the 'reply' stack. The 'throw away' stack. The 'ask the kids if they need this' stack. Too Much Paper
I must continue with the day and get it done, so time to go.
Later Blog Freaks!
Lisa

If I Wanna Push You Around Then I Will

2006-05-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

That's Me. Push You Around. Push You Out. Push Your Buttons. See How Far I Can Go. What Will You Do? Run? Fight? Is It Worth It?
If You Pass The Test, Then loyalty Is Yours. If Not, Oh Well.
I am addicted to pain, just not physical pain.
Addicted to Love, Don't Trust. Not Worth It, I See It Already, Got So Many Willing and Waiting and Ready. So There, I am only willing to be the Princess. The Only One.
I need help, support. Forehead to Forehead means what to you? It's what I want.
If Not, No One Else.
I'm just not built that way.
Foolish Girl, That's ME.
NOW GO BLOG YOURSELF! AND MAKE SURE IT HURTS TOO.
Lisa

Blog Blog Blog

2006-05-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

My God, it's dayz like these when I realize that I am still very conflicted. I also realize that I am not in control of my life any more than I am in control of the stock market.
I was given advice by a friend today and what struck me was that I was given this advice when I was thirteen years old (that was the first time). I have been given this advice over and over at various times in my life. However, at 43, for the first time I realized that this is a problem I continue to revisit time and time again, and thus the advice.
My confusions and associations developed, manipulated, nurtured, shaped, molded, and eventually set in stone that began at a very young innocent age are still messing me up today. There was a time when I was so pro therapy. So much so that I was going to be a theripest. Majored in psychology. Spent years attending my 'groups', weekend seminars, motovational speakers, and on and on. It helped a lot, saved my life. But it's another lesson for me today and that is just because you worked through it 5 or 10 years ago, it doesn't mean you never have to work through it again. Man, I hate that so fucking much!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a wonderful weekend. I should be happy. And I would be - except - just before my weekend began I was hit with some very shitty news. Shitty financial news. I say finance because finance problems are one of my worst nightmares. Shit I thought I took care of. Was told it was taken care of. But it wasn't. So I shoved it out of my mind (something I learned to do long ago) knowing I'd have to deal when I got back to my normal life. Then when I get back to reality there is more bullshit to deal with. More problems to solve, more crises to fix. It never fucking ends!
And now. . . . . .into self pity. Poor poor me, don't have a mommy or a daddy to call and say what do I do? Did I do the right thing? Don't have anyone I can trust to rely on. Can't really feel anyone has my best interests in mind. Even if they do, I can't feel it. And if I allowed myself to feel it without much 'prove it' bullshit on my part, I'd truely believe I'd only be fooling myself.
So I wind up needy, put too much pressure on the wrong people. Take on all the crises in my life because I don't beleive it will be solved by anyone but me and I don't want to end up a total looser (which is how I often feel and have all my life).
And what for? To be hit up with more problems - some of which are my creation, some are not, but here I am and I will fix it the best I can. Resentment sets in. Love turns to hate turns to numb.
And here I am with a lot to be happy about, a lot to be grateful for, so many good wonderful things in my life and I am crying. Sad. Terrified. Out of Control. I see it so clearly. Needy little girl today because she is afraid. Nothing good is really good is it? (my self doubt, my fucked up childhood) Then tomorrow, Stone Bitch. Tough. Hard. Fuck U. After it subsides and I've made sure anything I was fearfull about is all fucked up, well then I'm good again. I'm confident. Because I've learned and I learned at an early age how to surrive in the crises. In the shit. I learned to thrive in spite of it. Not that I like it, but it is what I know. Wanting to make a change. Make my life easier. Believeing it can be good. But can I? Today I doubt it. Too late. Damaged Goods. But I will feel differently tomorrow and even more different the next day. I am on a roller coaster and I don't know if I like it or hate it. Sigh, I wish I had it all figured out.
Now go blog yourself, ya freakk!
Lisa

Kids

2006-05-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh Kids. How do they wake up with so much energy? I've only been awake for about an hour and already my kids have done the following:
My son announced the names of the bionicles he wants me to look up on ebay for him (he tried to explain the differences between the various characters and the importance of such, but I said to him you better write it down because I will not remember what you are saying).
My daughter demonstrated her skill at making fart noises with her hands together, hand under knee, hand in arm pit and then drank half of my coffee (like she really needs it).
My husband announced his class schedule for the summer (he is included in this kids list for reasons only a woman will understand).
My daughter requested my cooking services for a hard boiled egg (has to be fresh and hot with lots of salt) and now she is eating stawberries.
I'm just trying to get through two cups of coffee and think about what I need to do to get ready for my day. I need to water my flowers, make sure my kids have everything they need for the day, etc. I don't even have time to write it down, let alone discuss it. Just get it done.
I used to get a lot of satisfaction out of taking care of my family and I do love my children and I enjoy doing things for them. They are so responsive to me and sweet. I can tell they appreciate and love their mom. My son has re-emerged from his room to tell me that bionicle stands for bio-mechanical cronicle, which means they don't have any parts (and he pats his hum-hum), oh my!
So much for having a moment in my own mind, with my own thoughts. I do have my own interests and I think it is important to have this separate identity. I am revisiting one of my books by Scott Peck because I love to have insight into the human mind and psychology of people. I find it fascinating actually. I just heard last night that the Dow broke through 11,000 and hit an al-time high with a 145 pt. gain yesterday. Wow, where have I been? The last time I payed any attention to the market it was below 10,000 or right around that number. Makes me want to look up some of the stock I have traded in the past to see where it is now. I really miss being involved in that and I hope to get back into it at some point. However, between raising my kids and trying to fugue out where I am going from here at this mid-point in my life, I seem to run out of time.
I am going to get ready for some me time now. I'm actually taking off for 24 to 30 hours and not taking care of anyone but myself. Actually, I'm not even doing that, I'm going to be taken care of and that is something I really cherish. I did not get this from my mom or my biological father, I don't know where it comes from. Somewhere in my growing up, teen years, I discovered there is a world of pampering one can do for one's self and it is my favorite thing in life. Deep tissue massage, pedicures, manicures, facials, all that. Botox, lipo, and on and on. It's all good to me.
Later Blog Freaks!
Lisa

Summer Time

2006-05-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

The rain has finally stopped and the sun is out. The flowers are blooming, the days last longer, the neighborhood is active with kids on bikes and skakes. The adults are cleaning their cars, planting flowers and socializing. I always like this time of year.
I have been a little more tired and so are the kids because we stay up later and school is not out yet. Need a little more coffee in the morning lately.
While winter always seems to be a time for reflection, summer always represents more of a carefree time for me. I hope to be able to stay home with the kids this summer so I can take them swimming and golfing. I need to get them signed up for swim lessons at an outdoor pool. Lots of indoor pools in Oregon which I found to be weird being from California. However, it does rain a lot here and the summer is shorter, so if you like to swim year round, indoor pools are very convenient. I've gotten used to them for winter months, but I still prefer the outdoors in the summer.
Life is good today. I am really trying to focus on the fact that although life is not always how I want it, it is good and I have so much to be grateful for. When I stay in that frame of mind my days are much more manageable. I never realized how busy and responsible my adult life would become. The more responsible I chose to be, the busier it gets. I do wish I was more consistent with my responsibilities, but I'm more of a person who has good days and bad days rather than days that are always the same.
So today instead of saying "I hate moping the floor and I don't want to do it" I am choosing to say "I am going to mop the floor because I want it to look nice" and I'm going to say to myself "I like my house". I do like my house, but it has taken time to adjust to the smaller space. Down sizing is not really that romantic, but again if I've made a choice then I need to make the best of it. I prefer to have time with my children even though I have less in the monitory arena of my life. I believe my time will influence their healthy adjustment into adulthood more than money will. However, both (time and money) is the best!
I am finally allowing myself to enjoy the friends I've made and I am building relationships with my new friends. It's been almost three years and I can finally say that I will have good friends here as I did in California. I am not missing my California friends as much as I was just a few months ago. I think I've finally allowed myself to grieve that loss.
I realized a long time ago that everything changes. When my best friend moved to Nebraska to get married in 1999 I cried a lot. She had been such a dear friend and helped me so much. However, when I had my son in 1996 we did not spend the same amount of time together anymore. So it was not as devastating as it could have been. I was able to have a really nice reception for her at my house and invite everyone close to her before she moved with her new husband and I think that gave me closure. It was all manageable.
When I left California I was in crises and did not take the time to say good-bye to my dear friends of 10 to 15 years. One of my girlfriends is still mad at me to this day about telling her very casually "by the way, we are moving to Portland in a few weeks". I didn't talk about it to anyone, I was busy conducting the business of my life and left out my friends completely. It would have been too overwhelming. I am so glad that finally I feel the emotion of that is passing.
Another thing I realize is that getting through one phase in life does not mean that I've come to the finish line. There will always be something to deal with, something to go through, changes being made, growth, reflection, etc. That's just life. I accept it today. I may hate it tomorrow.
I am looking forward to the weekend. A little spa time to myself. No kids, no phones, no bills, no husband. No interruptions. I will cherish that time.
Better get off this computer and get my floor cleaned.
Later blog freaks.
Lisa

Save A Horse - Ride A Cowboy

2006-04-22T22:03:00.000-07:00

Hello fellow Blog Freaks!
It's Saturday night. Once again I've eaten too much and drank too much! I just happen to live across the street from someone in the restaurant business. This couple can cook! They blend all kinds of special drinks and have all the gadgets for cooking. I'm always asking "what is that?" They are a great team, they cook together, then they clean everything up together.
Tonight my daughter is spending the night there for a slumber party. My friends made a menu and the husband even dressed up in a servers' tux to serve the girls. It was then I realized I haven't had this much fun in a long long time. We danced to Big and Rich, laughed, joked and ate a lot! My kids are so much more happy with mom is enjoying life!
I do know how to have fun. I love to have fun. It's just that I haven't been having any. AND I think that has to change!!
So today marks the first day of my new mission: Life, enjoy it. Don't let the uglies get cha down.
I remember long ago hearing a great word of advice. It was something like; only surround yourself with people who have something you want. I don't mean their car or material possessions, but rather their attitude towards life, their character, their integrity.
I am content today. My children are content. I have some really wonderful friends in my neighborhood. I am blessed. Just a great tyme today. More to follow I hope.

Female Goddess

2006-04-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Link to my blog at myspace.com

Pissed Off Bitch

2006-04-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

Jealously, Possessiveness, Ownership, Expectations, promises, hopefulness, Connection, Domination, Pride, Ego, Bullshit, Lies, Delusions, Trust, Lust, Anger, and all that Shit.

Where I'd Like To Be Right Now

2006-04-16T16:52:00.000-07:00

Blog Freaks - I Hate Doing My Taxes!
I want to run away to a warm sunny place where I don't have to fill out my last two tax returns, I don't have to cook for everyone, I don't have to listen to my husband tell me what to do or pretend to be interested in what he has to say, don't have laundry up-stairs waiting to be folded and ironed. . . . . and on and on.
I would love to be in the sunshine in a warm place, relaxing on a lounge chair, sipping a margarita with Mr. Wonderful (has anyone seen him?).
I'll feel better once I get these taxes done. My husband doesn't even appreciate it. Instead he says, "you should have done them earlier". I just a pat on the back, an encouraging word, an acknowledgement. But it never comes and I just get more and more tired. I'm tired of being tired. So the big question is: What am I going to do about it?
Later Blog Freaks -

Can't Be Real

2006-04-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

Hey Blog Freaks!
Ever have those times where life just seems good? Everything is falling into place? Everything is good? Kinda like how you felt when you first fell in love? Those times are wonderful times in a person's life. I was beginning to think that I had been through so much junk in the past 5 years that I could never have those good feelings ever again - I was too jaded.
Perhaps I am. Perhaps I'm delusional.
For me, this age, the 40's has been a time of reflection and asking myself "How do I want to live my life". "What is meaningful". "Am I in a place where I can look back when I'm 70 and say I have no regrets".
When I began to ask myself these questions was back in the day when I was on top of the world. I had worked my ass off and bettered my life, lived the American Dream, achieved the 'good life'. But then it all began to crumble. Crumble around me. I tried like hell to keep it together, to save what I had worked so hard to get and when I realized that just because I worked my ass off for many years, there was no guarantee that I would not lose what I had gained.
As everything became unmanageable and I cried like a spoiled brat because I was so afraid of losing everything - God spoke to me and said 'Lisa, the beautiful breeze you feel on your face along with the warm sunshine is something you have weather you drive a brand new car or a 20 yr. old car.' Then God said to me 'Lisa, take the monetary benefits away from your hard work and ask yourself this - Have you lived your life the way you really want too the past 10 years?
If you found out you were dying could you honestly look back and say you lived the past 10 years the way you really wanted too?
My answer was No. I was living as a hostage to someone else's dream. I got something for it, I had a superb life-style that I miss deeply, but I couldn't handle the same amount of stress and I was expected to do whatever it took to keep it all going. Without the rewards that made me really happy inside. Simple things; listening to the waves hit the beach, the warm sunshine on my body, the feel of the warm sand, wind whipping in my hair when driving with the windows down (all of them), spending the day relaxing with out a to do list, visiting friends just to connect with people and give encouragement (which somehow always seems to help me), etc.
So I had to take the steps to get out of the trap I was in. It has been a bitch. Very very tough. So much so that I have thought I made a mistake. Thought my life was over. Thought that's it, you can't possibly have the happiness you crave because it does not exist.
But then - a glimmer of hope. A breath of fresh air. A new inner strength emerging, growing, confident, knowing. Change is in the air. I can feel it. I don't know what it is, but I do know that I'm still on the journey and the journey can be as exciting as anything I've ever experienced. Or it can actually be even more exciting than ever before. Never Give Up. Press On.
Later Blog Freaks!
Lisa

Medulla Oblongata - Sounds Like . . . .

2006-04-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh The Medulla Oblongata - part of the brain stem. Very complicated, yet very interesting. I have been testing my husband's memory on this topic because he has a test this week.
Just one of the many things on my to do list for the day.

Kids are off school tomorrow and I'm not currently on assignment so I told them they can go to the Leggo Store.
I want to go to the golfing range. I hope it's good weather so we can do one thing I enjoy.

Went to Costco today with my two neighbors and we did not take the kids. Although that store can wear you out from all the people, it was nice to stick to the topics of what was on each person's list. I did not have to repeat myself or say the following:
Stop That, Let Go, Don't Hit Your Brother/Sister, No We Are Not Buying Any Toys Today, I Did Not Say I Would Take You To The Dollar Store After This, If You Don't Stop That You Are Not Getting A Hot Dog, Please Don't Run The Cart Over Your Sisters Feet, Please Get Up Off The Floor or GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!
What is so strange about having kids is that when they are gone (spending the night with Grandma or their friends) I miss them.
We have our best days when I decide to spend the day hanging out with them and don't try to get anything done. I think I will make tomorrow one of those days.
Well, I'm thinking if they get to go to Leggo Store, then mom should at least get to look at some shoes . . . Maybe even try a pair on. . . .
Bye for Now.

Nick's First Competition

2006-04-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

My oldest Nick, big 3rd grader, was in a math competition today. It is called the math Olympics. Ten schools. 150 to 200 kids. 3rd grade is the youngest class that competes. Only 2 kids from each class get to go. The students in each class have a competition and then the top 2 go to the competition.
I was the only parent that went with my school. I thought that was very weird. There is a reason for that! The parents can't be in the rooms when the kids are tested. Soo the parents that are in the know (not me) don't arrive until 10:30 -11:00 a.m. Just before the awards ceremony. Then they drive off with their kids and go to lunch. NOT ME.
I insisted that grandma go with us. So I packed lunches and we picked grandma up at 7:30 so we could ride the bus. Yipee!! Then me and grandma sat in the gym while the kids were tested. That was ok because it gave us time to talk about next years opera season. However, it would have been nice to just arrive with all the other parents.
Nicholas has inherited his mom's mind set that 'it's not good enough'. I hate to see this in him. He will miss out on acknowledging his abilities and it will hold him back I fear. He was upset that he didn't place. He was sure he would. I told him that only the best were even invited to attend and that makes him a winner. I encouraged him and I know I'll have to remind him of this over the weekend because he will dismiss the entire event because it did not go as he wanted or as he expected. He gave himself a goal or a requirement and when he did not attain it, he was depressed. He tries to hide it too. That frightens me too. I can see things in both of my kids that tells me they could end up mood altering to deal with their feelings.
I am going to keep encouraging both of my kids. It's tough sometimes because I don't think I have good advice. I think I demonstrate my rebelliousness a bit too much.
I love to change the words to songs to make them funny. So if I'm in a mood to be funny (which is most of the time - unless I'm around the control freak), I'll make up a song and my children and me laugh. But then, they sing it for grandma. They sing it for Daddy. They sing it to the neighbors. Then there is the bad advice I give them. Like when my daughter who has total natural ability to draw tells me that a girl in her class said her drawing was not good (and I can tell it made her feel bad) and I say "the next time she says that, say to her "well I draw better than you and your ugly". Then I have to say, no don't say that. But they remind me of the advice and they do it to give me a bad time - usually in public.
And my attitude has improved soooo much in the last 20 yrs.!!! I think I'll always have a chip on my shoulder.
Time to blog off. . . Later
Lisa

He threw away my shoe!

2006-04-07T17:16:00.000-07:00

Big Sigh. . . . I was pushed to tears last night when I found out that my husband threw out one of my shoes. Yes, I left a pair of shoes I rarely wear in the back of the car I've been driving for the last 8 months. I switched cars with my huband for a week or so. . . . . . . .
My husband and I do not have his and her cars. We have not had the distinction since probably early 1999, when we ended up with 3 cars instead of 2. We had a suburban and two sedans. My husband leased the burb as we called it, but always wanted me to drive it for safety because our children were still in car seats back then and he would drive the sedan that I absolutely loved! This is how we dissolved the your car and my car thing.
Now, moving forward . . . We turned in the burb in Feb. of 2004. Then we had one car and a motorcycle. I don't ride motorcycles, so then my car was the sedan. Then my husband's dad who was getting very sick and old loaned us a car we had given him a few years back that was purchased at an auction and it is a dog. My husband drove that until I got a job downtown and started taking the bus to work so then I drove the dog car to the park and ride and my husband drove the sedan. I have a habit of leaving things in my car. I'll have notepads, an extra purse, a day planner or a coat, something in my car. My husband will keep something small in the car he is driving, but after all it is his, so in his mind, it's ok.
Now, I'm finally onto my big ass problem. . . My husband can not stand the fact that I leave books, etc. in my car. He hates it. He is not a clean freak, don't even think that. In our bedroom I have a very nice chair with $80.00 per yd. Fabric on it I picked out (back in the day) and his clothes are always covering it. In his mind he has picked up because nothing is on the floor. However, I can't see the fabric on the chair, or even the detail of the chair because it is always covered up. But, hey nothing wrong with that, right?
I'll ask him to put his clothes away or put them in the laundry room, but he doesn't. However, he feels it is his right to demand that I keep the inside of my car (or the car I drive), how he thinks it should be. If I do not do as he wishes, he punishes me. In a passive-aggressive way.
So last night I go to the car and decide I will put the shoes away that have been in there for a month or two or three. I can only find one shoe and when I ask him, he first says, that's all that is in there, one shoe. I say no, there were two. He says how would I know it was in there so long. Then he says my daughter threw it out, she didn't know it was mine. Then he says he threw it out and if I cared about the shoes and didn't want him to throw one of them out then I should have put them away. I became very upset at his 'stop at nothing' attitude. Normally, I'd say this calls for throwing out one of each of his shoes in the closet. However, my husband is the type that will fight to the death, so he will just up the ante. When I got so upset that I began to cry and scream at him, he then picked up one of my glass art treasures (worth about 2K), another thing from back in the day and told me to stop screaming at him.
He kept up his bullshit of insisting he did not know those were my shoes. I said 'whose shoes did you think they were"? (we bought this car at a city auction - it was a police car) and he says maybe they belonged to the person who had the car before we bought it. He would not stop insisting that he had no idea it was my shoe. This is because I kept asking him, why wouldn't you ask me before doing such a thing? I really wanted to go out into the garage and kick over his motorcycle to scratch up the expensive paint job, but then we'd just end up trashing the house in front of the children. I just said over and over again "I don't believe you". I just don't agree with his reasoning that I should keep the car cleaned out if I don't want my shoe thrown away. To me this causes a person to walk on egg-shells and doubt every little thing they do. This is just not healthy!! And I know my choices. Put up with it or get the hell out. He isn't changing. This behavior always surfaces whenever my husband is not able to control me. The shoe he threw out was a mate to a pair that cost just under $200 (again, back in the day) which I had purchased for new years in like 2000 or 2001 when we had a very fun evening with some of our best friends. I don't expect him to remember what I wore, but I do expect him to respect my stuff.
AND he wants to know why I am such a bitch to him? This is the same man who threw out about half of the clothes in my closet when I was at his daughter's bachelorhood party in 2004. I had shopped and shopped for a dress for the wedding. It is very difficult for me to find something that looks youthful enough for my taste and fits me. I had finally found the perfect dress and it was a really good deal. However, when I came home from my trip, it was gone. He had thrown it out. He said he had been asking me to get rid of some of the clothes I no longer wear and I had not complied to his standards apparently, so he did me a favor. Now, I do believe in his 'I am the King' mind (king baby that is) he thought he was doing me a favor, but I would think after my reaction he'd stay away from my clothes and shoes! Anyway, when I came home from the trip to celebrate with his daughter and his ex-wife and all their friends and I saw that the dress was gone, I gave up. I said to him "I am not shopping for another dress, I'm tired of shopping, I picked one out and now it is gone" "I'm either wearing a sun dress that is still hanging in my closet or my jeans - I don't give a fuck" you know, he didn't give a fuck either. A week before the wedding I made a trip with my kids to see their best friends that they missed dearly. The kids' mom had recently lost a ton of weight and she gave me this dressy skirt and sequined top. it fit and that is what I wore to the wedding.
My continuing struggle is this: "how do I rise above it when my own spouse who is supposed to be my best friend and at one time was only wants to cause me harm in an effort to keep my self esteem down and control me?"
I have always been the type of person who encourages. I've always just dealt with this strong personality I am married too. However, I'm just sick of living with a person who would rather cut off his nose to spite his face than 'let it go' or consider me an equal. We did not have children for the first 9 years of our relationship and I really doted on him. I did not set the limits in the beginning as I should have. I stayed when he punched a hole in the wall when we lived together because it was easier to stay than admit defeat and deal with the feelings of failure and feeling lost. I knew his personality. AND I know he feels bad because he asked me to get something off his neck that was bothering him, like a little pimple or something so I took some tweezers and I pulled a bunch of his hair out which hurt him. I said I can not see it unless I get your hair out of the way. He has very very thick hair. He said 'stop' but didn't move and after all these years I know he is wanting me to 'even the score' so to speak.
I don't need to control him. Last weekend he said 'do you care if I go to the movies?' I always say, 'if you need to get out, go'. I don't understand why our relationship is not based on team work! If you need a break, take one. I'll watch the kids. Then tomorrow when I want to go out for a few hours and get some space, you can watch the kids. But it isn't like that with us. My husband will say 'why don't we all go out together'? 'why are you always trying to get away from me'? It is all one way with him. I have learned not to say 'do you care if I go . . . ' I have to say, 'I want to go do this . . . ' or 'I am going to go do such and such'.
relationships can be such a bitch and I'm at the point where I don't want to talk about it with him. I see no point in it anymore. He is what he is. I am what I am. I'll have to be the one to leave, and I'll have to deal with whatever he dishes out to control me not too.
I don't want to fail at this. I don't want to drag my kids through divorce. I also don't want to be a bitter old bitch when I'm old. I love this joke this guy once told when speaking of his crazy family he grew up in, he said his grandma was always muttering 'if I'd a killed him the first time I wanted to, I'd be out of jail by now'. I know that is extreme, but if anyone is reading this, you know what I mean. . . We are not on this earth to be miserable or to put mental chains on people. We are here to learn to love, trust, bless one another. And how in the hell do I make it work with a man who insists on fucking it all up?
Later blog freaks-
lisa

Spiritual Laws - Why don't we pay attention?

2006-04-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

Hey Blog Freaks. . . . Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me. . . Oh, excuse me I think those are words to a song . . . . Now that I have your attention. . . . Had an interesting conversation today which made me think about what I call spiritual laws. Some call it Karma. The idea of reaping what you sow. That you get what you give.
It always amazes me that people can live their entire lives and never figure out some very basic spiritual laws that seem to be present in this universe. No one ever argues about the law of gravity, people pretty much agree that if you jump off a building it will more than likely kill you.
Why is it so difficult for people to see that you have to give away part of what you have in order to keep it. This is something people say in AA and other 12-programs. In order to keep your sobriety, you have to give it away. Meaning you have to be willing to share your story, share what works for you. I believe if you are blessed enough to have made some extra money, it is best to give some of it away. That way you are allowing the blessing you have received to continue, passing it on. It doesn't have to be a financial blessing either, any kind of blessing you have received. I believe the more you hang onto things, the more likely you are to lose them.
I am also reminded that when we try to protect ourselves from being hurt emotionally, we cut off the part of us that receives love. So where does that leave us? Are we any less miserable?

There is a difference between giving your heart away foolishly and using discernment to take healthly steps in allowing yourself to develop relationships. This is not just in love relationships, but in relationships with family and friends. When we withhold our love from others, we also cut off the ability to be loved. So there is a price you pay for closing yourself off from emotion in order to avoid being hurt or heart broken. The price is a frozen heart, a wall built around yourself, isolation and loneliness.

I remember being young (in my teen years and early 20's) and trying to keep my emotions under control. I hated to cry in public, I really viewed tears as weakness. However, at one point I decided 'to hell with it', God gave me the emotions I have, so if I need to cry in public then I'm going to cry. I had to get comfortable with my emotions, all of them. I had this notion - and it is really weird knowing I used to think like this - but I had this notion that admitting hurt feelings or sadness meant I was weak or a failure in some way. Bottom Line: Was not ok with feelings and acceptance. Once I learned to let the feelings I experience flow through me, I was then able to let them go as well. To deny or surprise doesn't really solve a thing - AND I think that goes back to the spiritual law of not hanging onto stuff. Don't hang on to your feelings, don't hang on to your gifts, if you have extra, then give it away.

Now, I'm not saying go out and give all your belongings away and join a commune tomorrow, no no. You must have discernment in your giving. There are takers that will suck the life out of you, stay away from those types. Run from those types! But life is too short to cut yourself off from the world.
That's all for now blog freaks . . . . Later - Lisa

How Enronic!

2006-03-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, the Enron boys. . . .
The poster boys for greed. Even while the company was in the process of falling apart and filing bankruptcy these boys were driving around in their Porches and making art donations to their favorite museums (I wonder whose retirement account was funding that).
Talk about 'in your face'. And ya know, Ken Ley has a very charming smile, looks very confident. I look at him and I think 'what a bullshit master'. All the while building their monumental mansions in Texas and Florida. Those states don't have any limits on the value of your home when and if you file personal bankruptcy. Another 'in your face move' by the Enron boys.
So I like to say 'How Enronic'. A little time with their own type (criminals who steal from others) might be good for them.
I wonder if anyone thinks about anything other than what is presented in the news. Here is my bitch of the day: Why is it that the government will profit from these guys (all Enron Bad Boys) pleading guilty or being found guilty by making them pay millions in securities fraud fines? Shouldn't the millions the government wants to take from these corporate greedy bastards be given back to the employees who gave their time and loyalty to this company (their retirement accounts)? How is the government any different in that regard? It's not their money either! The millions that have been stolen from the employees who lost their retirement accounts and stock they invested in should be replaced as much as possible.
I thought that was what restitution was all about - or have I been deceived?
The words to Pink Floyd's song; Money says it well. . . . . . Money, is the root of all evil today, surprising, they're giving none away . . .
Later fellow blog freaks. . .

Addiction

2006-03-27T06:59:00.000-08:00

I woke up singing 'Satisfaction' by the Rolling Stones this morning.
Just another reminder of my addictive personality. Something to fill the void. The hole in my stomach. The cup that didn't get filled. The bond that didn't happen. The love I didn't feel. The trust I didn't have.
I can't run away from my myself. I've tried. I think that is where the mood altering comes in to play. Changing the way one feels. Have to feel good. Happy. Confident. Secure. All the time. If not, something is deeply wrong.
A friend of mine wrote a book on Sobriety. He talks about how our entire country is addicted. He starts with the obvious - criminals. Apparently about 70% of crime is committed while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Is crime the problem or addiction? Kind like what came first the chicken or the egg? My friend then goes on to talk about the many people on anti-depressants. Functioning alcoholics. Cigarette smokers and on and on. When he finally finishes his analysis I think we are left with about 4% of the population in the category of 'not addicted'. Hey, that ought to be a relief, huh (I'm not the only one!)? Like hell it is. He then goes on to the statistics of addicts, the ones who get on heroin and those extreme downers or crack or physically addicted alcoholics and basically says long term recovery is only for a select few. Like less than 10% Of course this leads to discussion on recovery and the myth our society seems to be obsessed with - 'If you are not happy, content, satisfied, confident 24/7 then something is deeply wrong with you'. AND You better get it together NOW!
I've pretty much lived my adult life with the attitude of 'It's not good enough'. I'm not enough. My girlfriends and I have talked about this for years. We will meet for lunch and be catching up on each other's lives. There are always goods things to share, but then there are always the struggles we are dealing with too. It always comes back too this - I'm just always left with wanting more out of life.
I believe this need that can not be met comes from one's needs not being met in early childhood. None of us had perfect parents. However, the degree of their imperfection directly corresponds to the degree of our neediness in adult life. We all have it and we spend our lives trying to deny it, conceal it and meet it's demands - all at the same time. Until we get honest about it and begin to deal with it. The hard part for me is that it is something I have to continue to deal with and I believe I will have to for the rest of my life.
I also believe that people have to take the time to grieve. To feel sorry for themselves. You just can't get stuck there. You may to visit the land of self pity now and again, but you can not move in. It's just a temporary place. Whenever I'm down I usually joke to my friends that I was thinking about having a pity party but then I couldn't get anyone to come so I decided to do something different. And it isn't go get high either! That isn't the answer.
Sigh . . I have a job interview today and I'm just not in the mood to sell myself. All the little demons of insecurity come up when I am taken from my comfort zone. But then I remember a few things I've read over the years and it helps me to get on with the day. One of them is this; 90% of life is about just showing up. So I tell myself that, just show up. Go. That's all you have to do, show up. That really helps to relieve some of the pressure I put on myself. Another one that I really like is this; Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have. I have that saying painted on this little ceramic cloud that my room mate in college gave me. It is still in my house today and hanging in my guest bathroom.
I have to go get ready now. Later.

The Bullshit I'm Dealing With Today

2006-03-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning missing parts of my 'old life' today. Before I closed my business down of 14 plus years I read books on simplifying your life, down sizing and how freaking wonderful it all was and I bought it. Well I'm here to say "Bullshit".
Everything is a trade off. Nothing is 100% satisfaction, as least not in my experience. When I was enjoying the success of my business (and success for the first time), I was also experiencing tremendous stress. I started having sleep disorders and eventually health problems. The constant stress wore me out - completely. However, I did have a lot of fun too! I did get to experience the good life. . . . Well for me; a girl raised middle class knowing she would have to work her entire life, it was much better than I ever expected.
I am the type of person who always thinks my life can get better, I can do better, I can look better, make more money, be kinder, love more, etc. Sooooo, I had to get rid of the stress in my life. I had to size down - simplify my life. Life was too short to spend it having sleepless nights. I was going to have it all. And to me that meant I'd have to do without some of the things I had grown accustomed too, but I could handle it. Besides, how bad can it get?
Sheeeeeit! Can you guess? Didn't go as planned. Or is it just me and my 'never satisfied bullshit talking again' (now you know why I majored in Psychology)?
Have you ever heard that saying "Euphoric Recall" - where you have this memory of something that was good and bad, say like one night you went out and got drunk or high, you had a great time dancing and laughing with your friends, felt great! Well at least until you got home where you proceeded to throw your guts up, sleep with your face inches from the toilet and spend the rest of the weekend walking around in a total daze, miserable, saying to yourself and God 'Please don't ever let me drink like that again'. However, a few years down the road you only think about the good part of that evening with your friends and think 'that was so much fun'? Well, let's just say I'm having euphoric recall of my life as self-employed this morning.
This down sizing crap is not as easy as it looks.
I really miss my friends. I also decided to move when I went through the down size. Start over in a new environment. A better place to raise kids. A more relaxed place. All that is good, but I didn't realize how much I'd miss my friends and the relationship connections I had.
The first Friday of December ever year, a few of my close girlfriends and I would spend the day touring these houses that were decorated for Christmas. We'd meet, check out a few houses, have a really nice lunch and go see more houses - get great ideas for decorating. One year a few of us ended up buying that Santa that shakes his butt to Jinglebell Rock. I put it in the kids' bathroom each year and they love it. I originally did that so they would know how long to brush their teeth. But now, they say just after Thanksgiving "Mom, when are you going to get the Santa out"? I miss my girlfriends. During that time we would always be able to share any really important stuff that we needed to talk about and we all knew that what was said that day stayed right there where it was said. We didn't gossip about it, we really cared about each other.

I miss the bagel shop I went to about 3 days a week. My kids miss it too. They didn't have pre-school until 9am so we would go and get a bagel. This place made gingerbread bagels with a honey and cream cheese filling in the center - yum! No place like that here where I live now. My daughter loves those bagels and she still mentions them at times. The same people went there every day and you get to know them, even if you never get to know their names (or remember them). There was a guy who had battled cancer and lived. He was totally broke, bankrupt because of the medical bills, but he was healthy and talked about moving to Santa Barbara for about 6 months and then he did. There was a guy who taught math and rode a bicycle because he was doing his part to keep the air clean. He had a son who attended Berkeley and was some fantastic Frisbee player - he was always interesting to talk too. Then there was a lady who was a waitress in the shopping center where the bagel place was. She was always up-beat, but looked like she had worked hard all her life. One time a radio broadcaster came in with an opera cast who were performing that week in our city, they were giving away free tickets to anyone who would sing opera (repeat after the professionals) so they could get it on tape for the broadcast. The waitress jumped up and said 'I'll do it'. We were all impressed with that! Then there was a guy who everyone said was homeless, but he didn't look homeless to me. He gave my daughter a little matchbox car he got from a box of cereal. It was very sweet and I could tell he trying to be kind. There was a retired teacher who loved to come in and he always sat with a group of retired guys and talked about the news, political stuff and stocks. He was very nice but was totally the type that did not want to talk to women about the serious issues he was there to discuss (I'm pretty sure he didn't think women really knew about those kinds of things). There was a couple that came in every day too; first the husband - very uptight and serious, reading the newspaper. Then the wife came in 20 to 30 minutes later, always dressed really nice. She drove a S500 and if her husband didn't stand up when she arrived and get that chair out for her, she was pissed and she didn't bother hiding her emotions. I remember thinking to myself 'if my husband thinks I'm spoiled, he should see this bitch'.
I miss watching those people and saying hi and being part of the morning bagel crowd.
Of course now I have to be to work by 8:00 or 8:30 since I now work for someone other than myself.
Time for me to get ready for church. We are going to church today. The first time in almost a year. I send my kids to a private Christian school and don't go to church. I just haven't been ready to make new friends yet. The kids want to go so I better get to it and get my butt in gear.
Hey, I don't give up. I know that eventually I'll be settled into this more normal way of life. I am living life more on my terms. And I always remember this saying too: This too shall pass. Good think to say when you are a little bit down, but not so good to hear when everything is wonderful!
May God bless your life and give you peace!
Lisa

Up in the Air

2006-03-17T12:40:00.000-08:00

Do you ever say to yourself, If someone would have told me 5years ago that I'd be living here, working here, etc. I would not have believed it?
I continue to be surprised by the way my life is going. I am someone who really likes stability and security. I love to have fun and experience new things, however, financially and in my everyday routine, I prefer consistancy. I am also the type who says "I'll believe it when I see it".
I happen to be married to someone who has a different take of life. My husband has the mind set of "You only live once" and "What do you know?" He believes rules should be broken and doesn't care much what people think of him, if at all.
When I was young, I fell in love with those characteristics. The fact that my husband could care less what anyone thought and therefore was able to always speak his mind was something I had only dreamed of doing. I was very impressed. Here it is 18 years later and I realize that the rebellous attitude is something I also hate about my husband. Because, bottom line, he really doesn't care what I think either. And, he will tell me exactly how he sees things even if it is hurtful to me because he never developed that notion that you consider how someone will feel by your words. There is this characteristic some people have and I call it "fighting to the death" where a person will stop at nothing to win or to be right. I think that is a very dangerous place to live. Because once you say it you cannot take it back. It's out there forever.
I always thought that my careful consideration of how I reacted to things made me a coward. I still believe it to some extent. However, to be quick to anger never solves anything.
I also loved the fact that my husband is very strong and macho. It made me feel safe and I needed to feel safe when I was young. I felt very vurnable and really needed that protective feeling. My husband provided that for me. However, again, 18 years later I really don't feel the need for a daddy anymore. I don't appreciate my husband telling me that if I just manage my time exactly how he sees fit, my life would be wonderful. That man has no idea what I think would be wonderful (and it isn't following his orders - that's for sure).
I am looking over my life lately, taking an assessment of my choices. My husband was very good for me at one time. However, I gave up a lot of my power and got my approval from him rather than developing the inner approval that I give mysellf. I recently needed to study a topic that I love, but have no formal education for. This is an area in which only I can do this, it is something my husband cannot do. I really doubted my ability to follow through. I prayed about it and God said to me one morning "You need to step out and do this so you know you can do things without him". So I did. It seems silly to me now that I doubted myself, but before I took that step it was a very big deal.
All this said my life is really unsettled right now. My husband has gone back to school after we closed our business we had together for 14 years. We are living on 1/3 of the income we did. And my husband is very old school, so not much of a help around the house. I am struggling with that a lot. I am always willing to work for a common goal. I will always do my share. However, I do not like the feeling of carrying 75% of the burden when my partner only wants to carry 25% and then tell me how f-ing wonderful he is. I used to be really encouraging, for YEARS. Good for you honey. That's a great idea. On and On. and now I just want to say "could you just stay away from me?" "could you just stop talking to me?" "I really don't care" "why don't you go live somewhere else".
Becausae I really try to assess a situation before I take action, I don't say those things. I tell myself to just keep taking steps to do things on my own, have my independance and ask God for help. However, I have days when I feel like my head will explode from the anger I have built up over the years.
Glad it's Friday. I need a drink!
Lisa

Forty Feels Like:

2006-03-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the day you looked in the mirror and you noticed the little lines that start surrounding your eyes? No one else seems to notice, but you know they are there. You begin to notice you are aging. I remember when I started to notice that I was looking more like 40 than 30. It didn't bother me too much because I was only 38 when it started. At that point it was just my face that seemed to be aging. But, oh my, after 40!? My body began to change, my waist began to spread out. My girlfriends and I discussed this and concluded that it was happening to each one of us. We joked and complained. When I went shopping with my girlfriend, instead of asking "Does this make me look fat?" like we did ten years ago, it was "Do these sun glasses make me look old?" We had a major discussion that day on the shape of the lens on glasses and how some of them turn up a bit and 'lift' your face and some of them actually make you look like you are frowning or unhappy (actually you just look your age).
The flip side to not looking as good as you once did is that you now either don't care or you at least have the confidence you lacked in your youth. You finally know who you are (well at least some days you do), you accept yourself and your moods, knowing that is just how it is. If you were shy growing up, you can now stand up for yourself and if you were pushy and agressive you've learned to just be part of the team and take it easy.
I can't say the pressure or idea that getting old is 'unwanted' came from any one thing in my life, but rather many things. Media for sure had it's influence. The 'never good enough' crap advertisers shove down your throat constantly. My mother was very freaked out about age. She locked herself in the bathroom all day when she turned 30 and the day she turned 40 she would not get out of bed and when I came home in the evening, she was sitting all alone in the dark crying. She had been a very beautiful girl and received a lot of attention based on her looks so it was very tough for her to take. I vowed never to be like that. However, I can not say that I embrace the idea of aging.
I wish all the time that I had the energy to do everything I want to do. I have a lot I want to get done every day and there is never enough time. I am one of those people who wants to have it all. Is it really possible? I think it is for a while, but I don't think so long term. I think trying to have it all will eventually catch up with you and wear you out. Feel free to comment if you wish . . back to work for me. . .
Lisa

Basic Blog

2006-03-14T12:41:00.000-08:00

I am using this forum to just vent/express what daily life is like for me. I do not think I am alone in the issues I am dealing with and some may find comfort knowing they are not the only one (going through these things).
I am going to discuss these topics: Careers, Work, Business, Relationships, Family, Children, God, Money, Addiction, Obsession, Finding Peace. . . .
I find at my age, 42, that life is not what I planned at all. . . .
This may be due to the fact that I have continued to grow and change throughout my 20's, 30's, and now 40's and my perspective on life has changed in some ways.
I wish you wellness and peace. . .
Until Later,
Lisa